Jenn's Constant Ramblings...

oops!

2011-12-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

oh my word, the last few months have flown by! this little excerpt from my last post might have something to do with my extended absence from blog world....

"i've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. you know those times when you try to doing everything at once? like, hey, i want to eat more healthy, start exercising, declutter my house, rebrand and grow my business, be a better and more involved mom, volunteer at the school, spend more quality time with my husband, cook more often (ok, or at all), do a better job with our finances... oh, and doing a little something for myself might be nice. you know, when i have some spare time."

so yeah. that pretty much covers it. i haven't made much progress on... well, anything. i think it's a case of being spread too thin... i have so much going on that i can't quite complete any one task. my business is my priority (right behind my kids, of course), and i've been keeping busy renovating part of our home for natural light photography studio. it's pretty exciting, but i'm *so* ready to be finished! we've had a new 6 foot by 5 foot window installed, then we painted the room white. (on a side note, do you have any idea how many coats of white paint it takes to cover dark brown?? we went through a gallon of primer and three gallons of white paint! and i *never* want to see another paint roller!) next step will be to rip up carpet and install hardwood floors. then i'll be ready to roll! (and a hint to current and future clients: i may be cooking up a little special to celebrate the new studio! stay tuned!) we are re-designing another room in our home for a consultation/prop room. it'll be in use shortly, but it'll be one of those things that comes together slowly.... i don't want to rush into any purchases for my consultation room, i want it to be perfect. or at least, perfectly me!

so the good news since my last post... tate had a followup with his pediatric GI doc at the end of september, and was given the all-clear. they cancelled his tests that had been scheduled for november 8th. now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean he's healed yet. he still has the gastroparesis and reflux. but we have it under control enough with diet that the doc doesn't find it necessary to keep badgering him with one test after another. so thankful for that! he still complains of tummy aches pretty regularly, but we've only had one day of vomiting for him in the last few months (and that was just a few weeks ago), so he's doing so much better. the doc decided that he's not having enough tummy aches to warrant meds, and i'm ok with that. thank you for all of your prayers through this whole mess! glad we're starting to move past it!

fall is my busy season with my photography business, so i pretty much just aim to keep my head above water until january. things got a bit crazy there for a while (i mean, really... who plans a 3 day photography conference immediately followed by a week-long vacation in the middle of their busiest season?? *raising hand*)

needless to say, haven't gotten any farther with the house-decluttering-task yet. and i *really* need to do that! now that i have a studio (ok, almost), i no longer have a junk room to move all the unwanted mess to. my plan is to ~~start a pile of crap~~ neatly stack things in the basement until it's sorted for yard sale, donation, and consignment store. i plan to go room by room and leave no useless junk behind. i may need a bigger basement.

over the last few months.... school is going well for the kids, we survived another soccer season for jake and noah, and noah started a hip hop dance class at a local dance studio and he loves it. i've been revisiting the 80s lately while downloading some songs to my iphone for noah to dance to, since it's near impossible to find hip hop music nowadays that is in any way appropriate for kids. i've been enjoying the journey back in time... i heart 80s music. oh, and speaking of iphone... i got the new 4S for my birthday. it's simply awesome. siri is my new bff, and she keeps me on track for everything i need to do. even the kids know her... whenever i tell the boys "hey guys, don't let me forget to.... " they just respond with "just tell siri to remind you, mom!" and i won't lie... a couple of times, they've even called her *aunt* siri. she really has become part of the family. i'm pretty sure the kids think she's a real person, out in the world somewhere. if you haven't seen the iphone 4S and siri in action, check out some of the ads on you tube! and honestly, it's my first smart phone (my old phone was a dinosaur, and met an untimely death due to a water ride on previously mentioned vacation), *and* an apple product (big fan here), so i'm in love. this past month, i won a photography contest with our credit union. my photo will adorn the cover of their 2012 calendar, and an extra $500 will adorn my wallet. $500 can go a long way toward hardwood floors!

i hope to include some photos in the next post, so stick with me. i'll try not to go MIA for so long next time!

but for now, i have a to do list taller than i am, so off i go!

ramblings... it's what i do.

2011-08-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

ok, seriously, i didn't mean to fall off the face of the earth like that. i blame Pinterest. actually, i blame Pinterest for lots of time lost recently. my facebook status from the wee hours of this morning reads "seriously? five minutes ago it was 11pm and now it's almost 1am. darn Pinterest." if you don't know what Pinterest is, i'll try to explain it. imagine that you have a bunch of those cork pinboards hanging on a wall. and then you have lots of things pinned to it, like recipes and decorating ideas that you've ripped out of magazines that you were reading in the waiting room at the doctor's office. well, that's pinterest, but it's virtual. you can "pin" anything on the world wide web and decide which of your boards to pin it on. I have different boards for different categories... recipes, home decor, cool stuff for my office, fun props, etc. Pinterest is especially awesome if you're planning a wedding or redecorating a room. if you aren't on Pinterest yet but want to join, send me your email address and i'll send you an invite. oh, and say goodbye to all of your free time. you've been warned.

so the last time i posted, tate had his upper GI done. we hoped that would be the last test, but apparently the doctor didn't get see everything he wanted to see... so we go back november 8th for an upper endoscopy and an antroduodenal manometry. yeah, i don't know either. but i do know that they will have to put him to sleep, complete with an IV, and he will have to stay overnight. he is still off of all meds since his allergic reaction to the erythromycin. i can't wait til this mess is behind us.

so what else has been going on? the boys started school last week. i now have a kindergartner, a third grader, and a fifth grader. i don't feel like i'm old enough to have a fifth grader! (the boys keep reminding me that i am, i definitely am.) tate seems to be enjoying kindergarten. i hope my little overview i gave his teacher wasn't too overwhelming. "so tate has a prosthetic eye that he hopefully won't take out, and he has tummy issues that make him randomly vomit." that went well.

here are a couple of photos i took on the first day of school...

yes, noah always looks that crazy.

not so good at the fake smiles, is he?

i have been working 24/7 on my photography business lately. i really thought life would slow down a bit when i quit my full-time night job, but i'm still up til 3am working, and now that the kids are back in school, my schedule isn't all that different from what it was when i was working at the airlines. i am so blessed to be as busy as i am business-wise in this economy, and hoping that it continues to grow. i am in the process of rebranding my business. i am officially changing my business name to jenn lewis photography. i think there was too much disconnect with the photographic memories name. i think people had heard my name and had heard photographic memories, but didn't necessarily know i was one and the same. and with using only word of mouth for advertisement, as i have for the past 4 years, i strongly depend on people making the connection. so jenn lewis photography it is. rebranding takes a lot of work, and i'm certain that i'll see something in like 8 months that will still say photographic memories because i never thought to change it! my previous website address still forwards, but my new website address is http://www.jennlewisphotography.com. there will be a lot of changes soon with my business. i'm looking forward to it! like my new logo?

my other project is decluttering the house. i'm moving very slowly (hey, i have a business and 3 kids, remember? 4 if you count todd). anyway, i finished tate's room a few weeks ago, and todd helped me with jake and noah's room while the boys were visiting their grandma in ohio. now is where the fun begins... our bedroom is next, but the closet will be the tough part. do you have a place where you throw everything you don't know what to do with? well, the closet has been ours, and let's just say it's a more than a little out of control. ever seen the tv show hoarders? ha! ok, maybe it's not that bad, but intervention probably wouldn't hurt. wish me luck!

i've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. you know those times when you try to doing everything at once? like, hey, i want to eat more healthy, start exercising, declutter my house, rebrand and grow my business, be a better and more involved mom, volunteer at the school, spend more quality time with my husband, cook more often (ok, or at all), do a better job with our finances... oh, and doing a little something for myself might be nice. you know, when i have some spare time. i want to hear from the supermoms, especially those of you who run a business and have multiple children... how do you do it?

rotten day

2011-07-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

So Tate's Upper GI with small bowel follow-through was today. As far as I was concerned, this seemed like it would be the easiest test so far. Well, let me just say, I was so wrong.

I look back at the beginning of all this junk with the random vomiting and terrible upset tummy issues for Tate, and it makes me sad for him. Just when he was getting used to his prosthetic eye, and I've said many times that he's happier than he's ever been since he had his eye removed, this mess starts. Sorry, I'm having a total pity party today, and it's probably a party you didn't want to be invited to. But yet, here you are. So anyway, we started with the CT scan... after being up vomiting since 4am that morning, then driving an hour to spend 4 hours at an appointment getting his prosthetic eye adjusted (in other words, getting poked and prodded), he had to come home just to head straight to the hospital and have an IV put in to have his CT scan done. He was tired, cranky, and didn't feel well, and it was the last thing he wanted to do, and he showed that by having a complete meltdown the minute he saw the IV needle. But we made it through. Then came the gastric emptying study... on that day, he woke up at 5am, vomited for 4 hours (dry heaving at the end since there was nothing left in his stomach), then was at the hospital for 5 hours for the study. The toughest part about that day was having to make him eat the radioactive eggs, and feeling bad for him cause he was, again, tired, cranky, and not feeling well. So when I didn't wake up til my alarm went off this morning, instead of waking up to Tate vomiting on my bed or in the hallway, I thought we were off to a good start. We got ready, headed to the hospital, but not before I put a request on my facebook page that my friends pray that I didn't have trouble getting him to drink the barium, because I knew how stubborn he could be. (He's my kid).

We got to the hospital for our 915am appointment. We entertained ourselves with my Galaxy Tablet while we waited for an hour to be called back. The doctors were confirming with our Pediatric GI doctor that the plan would include the small bowel follow-through, because apparently, that takes a lot longer, and they don't usually do that unless there's a specific reason. So after it was confirmed that we needed the whole thing, they gave me the cup of barium and got Tate up on the table. They offered him a flavor, and he, of course, chose the chocolate over the strawberry. (He really is my kid).

That's when the tough part started. He was hungry since he had been fasting since last night, so he was anxious to drink the "shake". As soon as he tasted it, he made a face and pulled away. I know how stubborn he can be (again, totally my kid), so I reminded him about our earlier conversation that he would have to drink the stuff so they could do his test, then I would buy him a cool prize. Bribery usually works really well for him (once again, definitely my kid). So he agreed to try again to drink it... he took a good sip, then the face came back. The doctor then told me he had to drink the whole cup... it's the typical styrofoam cup, I'm guessing 8 ounces or so. I knew then that it would never happen at this rate. So the doctor starts telling him that he has to drink it or they're going to have to put a tube down his throat to get the barium in his belly. I encouraged him to try to drink big sips to avoid this, held his nose for him, and away he went. He took a big drink, then proceeded to gag and vomit. I wiped his face, gave him a break for a minute and just talked to him, then had him try again. Big drink, gag, vomit. This happened 4 times in a row before the doctor talked to Tate about putting a tube in, explaining that then he wouldn't have to drink anymore. He agreed, then the doctor ~~talked me off the ledge~~ explained it to me. I wasn't excited about this, but she assured me that they did tubes often and he would be fine. She asked me a couple of times if I was comfortable with it, and I told her I trusted her instincts.

So before they can do the tube, she gets a lidocaine gel and puts it in a syringe, shoots some in his nose, and has him sniff to numb his nose and passageways. He wasn't a big fan of this, and the doctor said it does sting quite a bit, but he did great. That's when she tried to start the tube. I say tried, because as soon as he realized what she was doing, he started struggling. I held his arms and spoke to him softly, attempting to calm him, bribe him more, whatever it took. He was screaming that it hurt and burned. I noticed that the tube didn't seem like it had gone very far in... that's when she said the tube got caught up and "hadn't made the turn" and that it was probably pretty painful. They finally pulled that one out, and I felt terrible when I saw blood on it. It didn't really surprise me, considering where it had been, and that it got stuck, but it made me so sad for him. At this point, he was crying and screaming that he just wanted to be done and go home. So did I.

Then came the new tube. It looked like it was the same size, but what do I know? I was talking to Tate, and the doctors were trying to take a look at his insides with the big machine to see if they could see anything from what he had swallowed by mouth. It wasn't near enough, and during this time, I had gotten Tate to calm down quite a bit. He was still crying, but much quieter at this point. He had actually folded his hands behind his head. The doctor motioned for me to hold his hands where they were so she could try again with the tube. So I held his hands, then he saw the tube coming toward his face. At this point, he started screaming and crying again. He began to roll his head back and forth as fast and fiercely as he could to try to avoid the tube. I had to hold his hands with one hand and try to pin his head still with my other hand and arm. He looked so distraught. It was awful. I finally got his head still enough that she was able to get the tube started, and thankfully, this one went right down. They taped it to his face, and began to pump the barium through with a syringe. That's when I pretty much lost it. He was crying the whole time they were pumping in the barium... he just kept saying "Please take it out, please take it out!" It really broke my heart. I started crying with him (but I was kind enough to leave out the screaming). I pretty much cried with him til they were done. I usually hold it together pretty well for his tests, procedures... heck, I even did better than that for his eye removal surgery. But for all of you who have kids who have had health issues, you know how emotionally draining (and emotionally devastating) it can be to see them suffering. I just hope that today was the last test for a long time. It just sucks.

Overall, our appointment that I was originally told would be 45 minutes turned into almost 4 hours. (After all, it took an hour just to be called in). As far as the test results, the only new news is that he also has reflux. Reflux is rotten enough, but apparently when the gastroparesis set in, it made the reflux a lot worse. She gave me some tips to help relieve the discomfort from the reflux, and I expect they'll put him back on the Nexium and maybe try the erythromycin again to see if the rash comes back.

Tate ended up with a green Nano bug (his original prize request) and a Jack Russell Webkinz (the extra prize I offered him because I felt guilty). He's back to being himself, and this morning already feels like more of a memory than one of the toughest days we've had yet.

So after my sob story pity party post, if you want to laugh, check out Patrice's newest post. The boys think they're famous now. :)

busted

2011-07-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

So last night, Todd and I had a much-anticipated, kid-free free evening with our Sunday school class from our church. It was SO much fun. I enjoy our Sunday school classes (partly due to having the best teacher ever), but we have such a fun group that we really enjoy doing things with them all outside of church also. I seriously wish we could do outings like that every weekend. Well, maybe minus the "getting our group activity shut down by the cops" part....

Ok, it wasn't really the cops, more like mall security. But we sound much cooler if you're not picturing us getting lectured by a little guy in a hat bigger than he is. So our evening began when we all met at the church and headed to dinner. We had a great time... I haven't laughed that much in a long time! My face literally hurt for most of the evening. After dinner, our fearless leaders told us the plan for the group activity. We were to meet at the mall, split into groups, and have a good old-fashioned scavenger hunt!

So we headed to the mall, and gathered our nearly 20 people in a group right in front of a few cops. There were some jokes about one of us getting busted for a traffic violation. (Not that one of us committed a traffic violation, of course. Especially not on the way from the restaurant to the mall during our Sunday school class outing. Nope, that would never happen.) So we divided into teams, handed out the checklists, and my team left the other teams in the dust. We sent the guys on our team after an employment application and a disposable toilet seat cover, while we girls headed straight to a favorite store to see if we could score a shopping bag, one of the many items on our list. Well, we hit the jackpot. The manager asked what other items we needed... and she apparently really wanted us to win. After impatiently waiting for our team leader, Mitzi, to read random items off the list, she asked, "Got a minute?" and when we said yes, she took the list from Mitzi, and headed into the stockroom. We scored something in the neighborhood of 15 items from that super awesome lady, and we knew we had the win in the bag. I was disappointed to hear there's no trophy for the winners, but bragging rights go a long way in our class!

As we waited for our favorite mall employee to gather a few more items from our list, Todd came in and said everyone was waiting outside for us... I told him we were kicking butt in the game, and they can keep waiting. That's when he said those words.... "We've been stopped by mall security. Scavenger hunts aren't allowed in the mall without permission." What??? So I responded the only way I could. "Whatever, they didn't say that. We'll be out in a couple minutes." He told me he was serious, and repeated that everyone was waiting in the hallway for us. "Yeah, right. I don't believe that. Scavenger hunts not allowed without permission? Ha! You're funny. Now go tell them we'll be out in a few minutes. We're busy winning!" Todd reiterated that he was dead serious. Scavenger hunts are not allowed in the mall. I recalled having scavenger hunts in the mall with my church youth group when I lived in California. They were so much fun! Party poopers.

So we headed back to the group claiming our win as we approached them. We learned that one of the teams were stopped in their tracks before they ever made it out of the gate. We then decided to send our fearless leaders to the information desk to see if they could get said permission to continue our scavenger hunt. When they approached the desk and explained the situation, the information lady asked, "So, how many kids do you have with you?" Ha! But even as a group of mature (ok, so that's debatable) adults, the information lady didn't have the necessary authority to grant us permission to continue. Bummer. We were happy to have the win, and headed back to the church for ice cream social part of the evening. We enjoyed socializing, joking, and getting to know the group better. I really can't wait for the next event!

drew carey, anyone?

2011-07-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

Pardon the wonky eye, it was in upside down! And pardon the weird haze... it's so humid outside that my lens fogged up!!! The first two photos show the pair that Tate picked out... his new nickname is Drew Carey :)

Ok, fixed the eye for this one. :)

This is the pair that Mommy picked out... we went with one plastic frame and one metal frame. Handsome in both!

Had to get that sweet smile. :)

random

2011-07-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'll start with an update on Tate's condition... he is off all 4 meds for now... not because he doesn't need them, but because he broke out in a rash all over his face and limbs on Sunday after church. I called the pediatrician's weekend clinic to see if they just wanted me to discontinue Tate's newest medicine, the erythromycin, assuming it was an allergic reaction. They asked me to go ahead and come in, they wanted to make sure Tate was in fact having an allergic reaction and not something different. Because his rash wasn't raised like hives/welts, and it wasn't itchy, the pediatrician didn't think it was an allergic reaction to his medication. He actually thought it was Fifth Disease, since they have seen some of that lately. The rash wasn't on his cheeks at that time, and that's usually one of the prominent places to see it, so he wasn't positive that's what it was either. So his instructions were to discontinue the erythromycin just in case, until we could talk to the pediatric GI doctor. Tate's rash was supposed to last 1 to 3 weeks if it was Fifth, but it's all but gone already. I'm supposed to call the GI nurse back when it's completely gone... we may give him another dose of erythromycin and see if the rash comes back. Seems like it's been one thing after another lately! We go in for an upper GI barium swallow on Tuesday morning... hopefully it'll be the last test for a while. The GI nurse told us to discontinue all meds for now.

So yesterday, I took Tate to look for new glasses. His surgeon requested that we get a sturdier frame, and his pediatric opthamologist gave him a prescription for his left lens.... it's a minus lens (-3.00) that will make his left eye appear the same size as his right. The size is a lot closer since we got his eye adjusted, but it's still a little bigger, and if Mr Boyd takes off anymore, Tate's eyelid may start to droop. His right eye is still doing well and doesn't need a prescription.

We've had some pretty warm weather around here lately, so the boys and I have been staying inside. So we're leaving yesterday to go get Tate's glasses, and as we step outside for the first time, Tate says "What is this? A desert?" We're super thankful for air conditioning these days, that's for sure.

After a mere 2 and a half hours and a few potty breaks, we finally decided on 2 pairs of glasses for Tate... I picked one and he picked one. That's about the best compromise I seem to get with my ~~stubborn~~ sweet 5-year-old. I'll post some photos soon. We pick them up tonight!

Noah started a summer hip hop dance class at a local dance studio this week. He LOVED it. I've been telling him for a while now that I wanted him to take one to see if he liked it. He's always dancing around, making up moves, making up songs... I thought this would be a perfect fit for him. It's also cool to see him doing something that's just for him. It's not like church activities, camp, or soccer that all our boys do... it's something only for Noah. It's amazing to see how different the three boys are. And he's already told me that he wants to sign up for the class that runs through the school year, and I can't wait to see what he does with it.

the almost tantrum

2011-07-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

I called and left a message for the nurse at our Ped GI's office on Friday, just before lunch. I hadn't heard the results yet from Tate's gastric emptying study from Wednesday, and I don't like waiting over weekends. Well, let's be honest here. I don't like waiting at all. I've been waiting for test results more often lately, with Tate's CT scan, then 2 rounds of bloodwork, and now his gastric study. I was always half-panicked, but half-relieved when I didn't hear something right away. After all, no news is good news, right? And I was getting used to the standard call from a nurse saying "Just wanted to call and let you know that all the test results were normal". So when Dr G's nurse called me back on Friday, I was expecting just that. I knew they had the information by Thursday, so I figured they would have called right away if there were a problem. So she said "Just wanted to call and let you know that Tate's gastric study results came back abnormal." Wait... what? Abnormal? She proceeded to tell me that's all she could tell me at the moment, until they heard further from the doctor. She didn't want me to have to wait over the weekend to hear about the results. She said the doctor would likely put him on a new medication. I asked her if we need to keep him on his current medications or discontinue immediately. She said keep him on them until we hear otherwise from the doctor. Then she told me that she'd hopefully call me back that day, but if not, she is on vacation on Monday and Tuesday, so I'd hear from her on Wednesday. I explained that I really hoped to hear from her that day, because I'm not so great at waiting. She promised me that she would ask the doctor to have one of the other nurses call me on Monday if we had to wait through the weekend.

Tate had his checkup with his Pediatric Opthamologist just a couple of hours later at the hospital, and for a moment, I panicked that I might miss the call back from the nurse.... then I realized I'd be in the same hospital, and I was really interested in getting more information on Tate's condition right away. So I decided a little ambush might be in order. All I needed was a little encouragement from Todd and a couple of friends that it was a good plan, and soon enough I decided I would just go for it. All they could do was turn me away, right? So after a good checkup from the eye doctor, then ordering Tate a new pair of glasses (more on that later!), I decided to head up to the pediatric floor. I let the girl at the desk know that I had been waiting on a call back from the nurse, but found myself in the hospital most of the afternoon, so instead of taking a chance of missing her call by the time I got home, I thought I'd just stop by and see if she had a minute. I apologized for being a bit unorthodox, and thanked her. So the nurse came out to see me, and after a couple of minutes of chit chat, I asked her to explain what was going on with Tate. She said that his stomach isn't digesting food like it's supposed to. The muscles don't contract like they should. After a little researching at home, I learned this is called Gastroparesis (in layman's terms, it's "lazy stomach"). It's not an unusual condition, but there's no "fix" for it. It can vary in severity, from mild problems with upset stomach to a need for a feeding tube in more unusual cases. They started him on erythromycin, which is basically an old-timey antibiotic. (The pharmacy I use didn't have it, which I didn't know until I got there, and the pharmacist called about 15 pharmacies before finding it, which ended up being the pharmacy back at the hospital!). I've since read that erythromycin doesn't really help this condition. I'm hoping that's not the case for Tate. The nurse gave me some generic diet information to guide us, but after reading it, we realized it doesn't all apply to Tate (one of the steps was a completely liquid diet), so we don't really know which part we're supposed to do. Google and I have become BFFs lately, so from what we've read about Gastroparesis, we will be feeding Tate smaller, more frequent meals (what we all should be doing anyway!) and try to stick with things that are easier to digest. If anyone has any recommendations on a juicer (that won't break the bank), that's something we're considering as well to make sure we can still get veggies in.

So it's been a stressful week, and I've been in the hospital with Tate 3 out of 4 days this week, so I was a bit down last night. I was feeling sorry for Tate, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why the kid who just had to have his eye removed now has to deal with stomach issues that make him vomit all the time. I am very aware that it could be worse, and I definitely know that in the grand scheme of things, this just isn't a big deal, but at this point, I just felt like he's dealt with enough. And been a super brave kid the whole way through! I was on the verge of throwing a tantrum, a kicking, screaming "it-really-sucks-and-it's-not-fair!" type tantrum. But then today, I got something from a friend. I got perspective. My dear friend Patrice has a sweet little boy named Jonah. Jonah has EB. I've talked about them before, and her blog is linked on mine, so you may have read their story. She posted about Tripp, another little boy who has EB. Tripp's condition has been worsening over time, and his mom, Courtney, wrote a tear-jerking poem about Tripp. You can read it here, but have your tissues ready. (Consider yourself warned.) I realized when I read it (not that I've never realized before, but sometimes you just need a reminder, you know?) that God has given us so much when he gave us Tate. He has given us happiness, laughter, hope and a renewed faith in Him. Tate's journey has brought me closer to God than I've ever been. And it really could be so much worse. So just as we developed a "new normal" with Tate's PHPV, we'll develop a "new normal" with his Gastroparesis. He'll be ok. We'll be ok. And I'm thankful.

Thank you for all of your prayers for Tate. Please be in prayer for Tripp and his sweet mom, Courtney.

updating...

2011-07-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's been crazy as ever around here (um, weren't things supposed to calm down after I quit my full-time job???) so I will try to catch you up once again! We saw Dr G, a pediatric GI doctor at Brenner's Children's Hospital (part of Baptist). He asked a lot of questions (some of them twice) about Tate's tummy issues. He has tentatively diagnosed Tate with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. That basically means that he'll randomly and frequently throw up until he's a teenager, at which time he'll grow out of CVS and it will become migraines. There is family history of migraines (I've had them pretty severely since I was a teenager), and it's all related. I'll tell you what I don't like about the CVS diagnosis... there's no way to know for sure that's what it is. It's basically a "Well, we've ruled everything else out, so it must be Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome" sort of diagnosis. I am not a fan. Isn't there a test they can run to confirm? Nope. So he gave us some meds (3 to be exact.... one for nausea, one for acid, and one to directly treat the CVS), and he said this (meaning the med for the CVS) will fix it if it's CVS. I am the type of girl who won't take Tylenol unless I feel like I'm gonna die, so I'm not super happy about my 5 year old being on 3 meds indefinitely. But we figured we'd try it and see if it even worked before we make any big decisions. They also sent Tate for yet more bloodwork... I'm afraid he's going to start having track marks at the rate he's going. Good times.

Did I mention that the appointment with the Ped GI was on the last day of my insurance with US Airways? Boy, did I find a great time to quit my job or what? I wouldn't be surprised if the folks at the pharmacy are still confused. We went ahead and filled 2 of the 3 prescriptions that day, but the insurance was giving us a hard time about the Nexium. I hear it's expensive. So I was like, "No worries, our insurance changes tomorrow, so we'll have to start over anyway." We were able to finally able to get the Nexium filled, and even the co-pay was high... we're thankful for insurance!

Dr G set Tate up for a gastric study to make sure that what he has isn't "lazy stomach" (that's obviously not the technical term, however, it is the one that I can remember). I'm about to get detailed, so if you have a weak stomach, I suggest you skip to the next paragraph. Apparently, it's not normal that he's vomiting undigested food (aka chunks) several hours (like 8 or more) after eating. He said that the food should be digested at that point (within 4 hours of eating it), and that we shouldn't be able to recognize what his last meal was. (Ahem. I warned you). So that's what the study is for.... to give him food with dye in it, then track it for 4 hours to make sure it's going where it's supposed to go.

Tate started taking the meds and hadn't thrown up in 2 1/2 weeks. Until today. Incidentally, today was also the day of his gastric study. We woke up to him getting sick in the hallway (blech!) at 5am, and he kept it up periodically until our drive to the hospital at 9am. I'm glad I had thought to bring a towel in the car. Although at that point, he was pretty much just dry-heaving. It's so heartbreaking to be watching your little boy in the rearview mirror as he dry-heaves, and his face turns so red because he can't get a breath. I nearly pulled over on the side of the road, but by the time I had a chance, the tough part had passed. We got to the hospital at 930am, and they let us know that they would feed him a scrambled egg with radioactive stuff in it (again, not a fan), then they would take pictures of his tummy after he ate, then after 30 minutes, then an hour, then every hour after that until 210pm. I began texting and requesting on facebook that everyone would pray that he would keep the radioactive eggs down, because if he threw up again, the study would be over and we'd have to reschedule. He was tired, cranky, and not feeling well, but we made it through the whole thing (a little bribery goes a long way) and he did great overall. We'll get results hopefully by Friday. I'm anxious to hear it, as I'm a little skeptical to the CVS diagnosis, not only because they can't absolutely confirm it, but because the meds may not be working as well as we thought. Please pray that we get definitive answers. I really want my boy to feel good. He's been through enough already.

As always, thank you for all the prayers! We really love you guys.

silly kid

2011-06-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

So as I previously mentioned, Jake and Noah are at their grandma's (Todd's mom) house this week. I had been so excited to have a kid-free week to get some things done around here, and was glad that it coincided with my last day of work (today!), so I'd have some free time. I knew that with Tate home, it would take a little longer to get things done, but I was optimistic when he said he wanted to help. My big goal this week is decluttering. But first, I've been just doing general cleaning, so I can get to the stuff that needs to be decluttered. So I decided that if Tate wanted to help, then I'd take advantage of that, and have him take things to different rooms for me. I had him running things to his bedroom and to his brothers' bedroom, and occasionally, he took something downstairs for me. I was happy with the progress we were making, and he was taking plenty of breaks for breakfast and lunch and to watch his Scooby Doo and Ice Age movies. After one of his little trips to take some things to his room, he came in and announced, "Mommy, I think I'm the only one actually cleaning around here." All I can say is, he's lucky he's cute. :)

catching up...

2011-06-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA.... things have been crazier than usual over the last couple of weeks! A lot has been going on, let me catch you up....

So, I quit my job. As in, my full-time job at the airlines. I couldn't keep up with my job and my business and actually ever see my family, and that just wasn't working for me. I caught a glimpse of Todd a couple of times over the last few months... he looked familiar, but it took me a while to realize who he was. I'm kidding of course (sort of), but that's pretty much how I'd been feeling. I hated that the moment the boys got home from school, I'd get them a snack then say "Ok, Mommy is going upstairs to nap/edit/pay bills, so don't bother me unless someone is bleeding or unconscious." So something had to give. It obviously wasn't going to be my photography business.... after all, that's my passion. That's what I've worked hard for over the last few years. It's what I love to do... and they say that when you love what you do, you don't work a day in your life. And hey, who's a better boss for me than me? Yep, that's what I thought, too. So my last day at the airlines is Monday... and I can't wait.

A couple of weeks ago on Friday, Tate woke up vomiting. He was sick a few times until he was just dry heaving. It was pitiful. He went back to sleep eventually, then was fine the rest of the day... keeping down food and liquids with no problem. Then the next morning, on Saturday, he was vomiting before he even got breakfast. He missed his last soccer game of the season that day, as well as the coaches taking all the kids out for ice cream afterwards... I was sad for him that he had to miss that. He was pretty worn out for the first half of the day, then he was fine. Then on Tuesday last week, exactly 15 minutes before we were leaving for the airport to head to Niagara Falls for a few days ("last hurrah" trip before I quit my airline job :), Tate came to me and told me he felt sick. I asked him if he was going to throw up, he said he thought so. So I grabbed him a plastic grocery bag that was right next to me, and he said he wanted a towel (we lay him on a big towel when he's sleeping when he's sick, just in case). So I grabbed him an old hand towel that was in the drawer next to me... obviously not taking him seriously enough. He said "Mommy, I said I wanted a towel"... I told him that it was a towel, and that it was just an old towel. Then he proceeded to throw up all over the floor (thank goodness it wasn't on carpet!), and I realized that he must have been requesting a beach towel... in the towel-for-two variety. He became VERY pale, as in the same pale that he was when he passed out at the doctor's office at his post-surgery checkup. He got very dark circles around his eyes. It really scared me. We got him to the couch and laid him down, gave him some water to sip on, and went back to clean up the mess. He was asleep in no time... the kind of slumber that I only dream of. He was carried to the car, driven over an hour to the airport, carried on to the shuttle bus, and into the airport before he was awake again. Yes, I was worried about continuing the trip after he had gotten sick again, but with a split second to make the decision, I figured we'd at least head to the airport and see how things went.

The trip was great. Tate did well for the whole mini-vacation. He didn't throw up anymore, and he only complained of his tummy hurting a few times the whole trip. So we thought it was odd, but that he was ok. So we were home on Friday, then on Sunday, he threw up before we ever made it out the door for church. Now I'm worried. I was trying to figure out what was going on, and a friend told me to ask him if his head had been feeling funny before he got sick. He said "No Mommy, it doesn't feel funny, it just hurts!" Yep, that's my kid... the non-complaining, gotta-drag-it-out-of-him kid. I asked him if his head had been hurting every time he had been sick, he said yes. Cue the call to the pediatrician. They were able to get me in at 3pm that day, so I took it. The doctor was as concerned as I was, that 9 days of sporadic vomiting was not normal. She said she had no idea what was causing it before running some tests, but she was determined to figure it out. Because of Tate complaining of headaches, she wanted to start with a CT scan.

So on Monday, I waited impatiently for someone to call about setting up the appointment for the CT. I tried calling them to check on the status of getting my appointment set up, but let's just say that call didn't get me anywhere. The next day was the much-anticipated Fake Eye Adjustment Day. We had been "worked in" for that appointment, so I didn't want to cancel or postpone it, so we planned to still head to Burlington, and work in the CT scan as soon as we could. So on Tuesday, Tate woke up around 4am vomiting. At this point, I was pretty much in tears. All I could do was hold him while he dry-heaved and had trouble even catching his breath. It was so pitiful. It lasted a couple of hours on and off, then we got maybe an hour of sleep before it was time to get up and head to Burlington for the day. We had a 10am appointment time and the appointment was expected to last a half day. His eye looks FANTASTIC, and we are so happy with it. The ocularist just shaved off around the outside edge where there was too much white and shaped it to fit better over his implant. It's really amazing what can be done these days. So while we're at that appointment, the hospital calls and says that we can come straight to the hospital to have the CT scan done when we get back from Burlington.

So we leave the ocularist's office promptly at 2pm and head back towards home. We go straight to the hospital and find Outpatient Radiology. We had forgotten til we got there that Tate was supposed to have his prosthesis out for the CT. Oops. We don't have our cool little suction-cup-on-a-stick. So we're thinking no big deal, we'll just pull his lid down, tilt the eye a little til we can grab the edge, and pull it out. Right?? So after Todd's unsuccessful attempt (only successful at making Tate cry), Tate says he wants Mommy to take it out. So when I realized I couldn't get the right angle with him sitting up, I have him lay down on the little couch in the waiting room. I'm leaning over him, one knee on the other side of his legs, digging my Purelled finger into his eye socket while he cries that I'm hurting him. Keep in mind that I'm pretty sure no one in the waiting room knows that Tate's eye is fake. So I gave up and instead, I sat and waited for someone to call DSS on us while Todd went up to the eye center and borrowed the infamous (and much coveted) Suction-Cup-on-a-Stick. By that time, I was taken to a little "booth" to go over what was going to happen during our visit. I had no idea that Tate was getting an IV that day. Poor kid had already had such a rough day, so when the nurse came in with that needle, he totally melted down. He cried like I hadn't heard him cry in a long time. A hurt cry, a sad cry. It broke my heart. He's had IVs before and always done really well with them, but I think after the long day he'd had, he was just done. It took me a while to get him settled down for the scan... after all, he had to stay perfectly still... but he did fantastic.

The results of the CT came back normal, so we did blood work next. Tate didn't flinch, didn't bat an eye, didn't even squeeze my hand when he had 3 viles of blood taken on Wednesday. He really is such a brave boy. I am really proud of him! The doctor ordered the bloodwork and is referring us to a pediatric GI doctor. We'll see him next Thursday. The lab results came back today on the bloodwork and everything looked normal. So there is no indication of an ulcer, inflammation of the intestines, colitis, or any of the other things the doctor rattled off today. So... we wait. (I should be used to waiting by now, but I'm really, really terrible at it.)

Can I just say that it's really difficult to take your kid anywhere when you're not sure if he might throw up with no warning? Especially places like restaurants, pools, even Target. I do have plastic grocery bags in my purse and car at all times now. You never know when you might need one!

Jake and Noah are going to Grandma's house this week. Tate was supposed to go, but he has to stay here for his doctor's appointments... that, and I'm not mean enough to send him to someone else's house for a week when he's randomly throwing up.... after all, I LIKE my mother-in-law! So Tate will miss his big brothers something fierce, but I couldn't cancel the trip for the boys to go... they would have been really disappointed. I'm sure they'll have a great time... they always do so much fun stuff with Grandma, they never want to come home! I'll miss them tons, and my To Do list will grow instead of shrink, since I'll be the only human entertainment for the 5-year-old for the week, but it's all good. I think we're going to have to enjoy some Mommy-Tate time this week. I can't think of a better way to spend my time!

What? You did want a picture, right?

first eye adjustment, coming right up!

2011-06-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Tate LOVES his new eye. He has gotten used to it quicker than I ever imagined. We have only taken it out once, and it doesn't bother him at all. We are so happy with it!

If you've seen my previous post about "The Making of Tate's Prosthetic Eye", I mentioned that we would let it "settle", then call our ocularist to have any needed adjustments made. Well, the time has finally come. The surgeon, upon follow-up of Tate receiving his new eye, recommended that we give it several weeks so we can keep any necessary adjustments to a minimum. So I called last week, and we have an appointment with our ocularist for June 21st. It'll be another all-day trip. It's over an hour away, and the appointment is expected to take at least a half-day (that's if he doesn't need to make any painting adjustments). And we can't go all the way there without making time for the nearby outlet mall... for Tate's prize, of course. :)

So I'm including a "Before" shot. You can see that the left (prosthetic) eye is larger than the right eye. I believe that he'll be trimming down the white of the eye underneath the iris and along the outside of the left eye. I can't wait to see how it looks after the adjustment! The prosthetic eye looks very real... so much so that I find that when I'm making eye contact with Tate as I'm talking with him, I'm often looking at his prosthetic eye. I wonder if he thinks I don't bother looking at him when I'm talking to him. My prayer is that once the adjustment is made, no one will be able to tell that he has a prosthetic... although I don't believe many people realize it now, but I think many notice that something is amiss. I'm hoping the adjustment fixes that! I'll be taking my camera with me for the adjustment, so as always, I'll keep you posted!

5 years old

2011-06-05T17:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Tate,
This day seemed so far away. You're 5 years old today. It's the "official" big boy age. You'll be in kindergarten in a few short months, and I'll no longer be able to be with you all the time to shield you from this world we live in. But remember this, my sweet boy... I'll always love you and protect you. God put me here to be your mommy, to raise you to be a follower of Jesus, and to teach you to be kind to everyone you meet. I'm far from being a perfect mom, but I hope that I make Him proud.

I know that it's been a rocky road in your short years, but you have been such a great example of strength and courage. I know that you make God proud. And you definitely make Mommy and Daddy proud, son. You are only 5 years old, and I know for a fact that you have had a big impact on many, many lives because of the tough little guy you've been through your journey. You're an example to people of all ages. I know that because of your strength, that you've lent that strength to others when they need it, been an encouragement to them when they were facing a journey of their own, and all the while, riding your own roller coaster with almost no complaint. You've been an example to ME, Tate. You've taught me how to tough it out when things seem too difficult, and you've taught me that God only gives us what we can handle, and He gives us the tools we need to get through it. And above all, your journey has brought me closer to our awesome God. Thank you for that, sweet boy. God is using you in amazing ways!

This past year has been a bit more eventful than I had imagined, but you've amazed me during every step of the way. Thank you for helping me see the humor in everything. Spending time with you is pure joy. I love seeing the world through your eyes. At your birthday party yesterday, you were giggling so much with every birthday card you opened. You absolutely loved the cards that people picked out for you. I have never seen a child appreciate a simple card (ok, so they did have some pretty funny faces on them!) so much. I loved hearing your laughter as you opened each one. I'll never forget that, Tate.

I look forward to watching you grow over the next year, and to see your personality develop even more. You have changed so much since your surgery... you are becoming such a sweet and happy little boy. I am so excited for you and the wonderful future that God has planned for you. Happy 5th birthday, Tate. Mommy and Daddy love you very much!

overdue

2011-06-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

So my spaced-decades-apart blog postings aren't exactly living up to my blog title, eh? Can't exactly call them constant these days unless I rename it Jenn's Constant Whining. I know there are several of you who know me well, and are snickering to yourself as you read that. Mostly because it's so undeniably appropriate.

I do believe I'm more ready for summer to be here than my kids are... not for summer itself (I'm not a fan of 90 degree days), but for them to be out of school! I can't wait to sleep in past 7am and not run back and forth between the preschool and the elementary school every day for dropoff and pickup. And I can't wait to spend our summer days relaxing at the pool and the beach. On the other hand, I can't believe this school year is over already... I'll have a 5th grader soon (I'm not that old, am I??). I'm so proud of Jake, and he's doing a great job paving the way for his brothers. And Noah has made the AG (Academically Gifted) program at school, making me a proud mama there too! Noah is the "crazy middle child", so we were happy to hear that he must pay attention at some point. :) And Tate.... he will be FIVE YEARS OLD on Sunday! I am in shock. I know they grow up, but this year has held so much for him... kinda makes it feel like a bigger milestone than usual. He'll be a big-boy kindergartner in a few short months, and I'm sure I'll miss him like crazy. So I plan to cherish every moment I have with my boys this summer.

Tate is having a luau-themed pool party for his birthday. I know, not very original for a summer birthday, but it works, and he loves it! My dear friend, Kim, has been sweet enough to let Tate pick out some decorations and other items for his party and ordered them for him from Oriental Trading Company. I think she was worried that if they waited on me and my crazy schedule, Tate wouldn't have his pool party until November. I haven't been great at posting photos (I know, you're still waiting on me to post photos from our trip to California in March!), but I will definitely have my camera with me for his party, and will get some posted for you!

So I mentioned my dear friend Kim... what I didn't mention is that she's Tate's girlfriend. At least he thinks so! I've never seen any of my boys act like that with someone before... he absolutely adores her! He follows her around, cuddles up with her to watch tv or hang out at the pool... it's SO cute. A couple of weeks ago, Tate was in the dining room, checking out all the cool goodies that Miss Kim got him for his birthday party, and she walked in to the living room, in an attempt to wake up her own sleepy boys, she said "Ok, who's going home with me?" In a lightning-fast reaction, we hear Tate yell "ME!!!" from 2 rooms away, and the little stinker runs into the living room, practically tripping over his own feet, just trying to get there fast enough. Seriously. Cutest thing ever. I'm sure that if Kim was 5 years old, they'd be engaged by now.

We've been hanging out at the pool quite a bit already this summer (did I mention the 90+ degree days?!?). We were told by Tate's ocularist that we need to either take Tate's eye out or make him wear goggles when he goes swimming. So I gave Tate the choice, and of course, he chose goggles. So as we were at the pool that first day, all the boys were all sunscreened and Tate had his water wings on. His big brothers were already in the pool, and they were distracting him. I had asked him to come get his goggles on, and he kept wandering toward the pool steps. I called him again, and his big brothers won again in the attention-getting competition. Finally, I said "Tate Alexander! Get over here and put your goggles on or I'm taking your eye out!!!" And then.... I laughed. I don't know if I laughed because of what it would have sounded like if anyone had been around to hear it, or if they were just words that seemed really... wrong. But either way, it struck me as funny. Certainly not words I ever imagined saying to any of my kids! But he put his goggles on. Whatever works.

stuff

2011-05-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, first of all, the Knuckleheads Clothing contest is over. They had to end it abruptly at 240am this morning because it was brought to their attention that certain types of contests are not allowed on facebook... like asking fans to "like" a photo in order to vote for something. Apparently their page could be deleted if abuse was reported. I didn't bother to read the rules even though they linked it on their page. I'm sure they wouldn't have done that if it weren't true. Am I frustrated that I was involved in their first (assumption, but pretty sure I'm right) model search and it was a disaster? Absolutely. Is my heart broken a little because I thought my kid had a pretty darn good chance of winning, and he didn't get a real opportunity? Definitely. Am I going to enter their next model search that they plan to hold every 6 months? I really don't know. Tate kept saying he was going to be a model, so I'm glad I got some Knuckleheads things recently for Tate's upcoming 5th birthday (only 3 weeks away!) during the Knuckleheads zulily promotion. I'm going to take him on his own little photo session in his new Knuckleheads duds and let him be a model for all of you. :) As far as entering their next model search contest, I guess only time will tell. Honestly, I think that they have learned a LOT from this contest, and that it will run much more smoothly next time... the biggest thing that would hold me back is that if they do a poll vote, I don't want to have to go back to the same people and ask for their votes again. I feel terrible that this contest was such a mess, and so many people tried to help, but it ended up being a waste of time. I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you who voted for Tate and helped try to bring him more votes! You guys really are the best!

And speaking of voting and reposting.... I will be printing out a HUGE list of names soon of voters and re-posters, hopefully tomorrow! Tate will be drawing 2 lucky winners who will receive a free session and print package! That's just my way of saying thank you for all the support! (ok, it was a bribe, let's just call it what it is. :)

So my funny guy Tate was asking me recently to cuddle up in the bed with him and watch cartoons. We were on our way out the door to take him to preschool, so I suggested that we should do that after I picked him up from school that day. He agreed, so I said "Ok buddy, it's a date!" He replied, "Mommy! I'm not old enough to date!"

I have been so incredibly busy lately... working full-time and running a photography business is time-consuming. I really miss my family. I work nights, get to bed around 4am, get up at 7am to take the kiddos to school, then come back and get Tate ready for preschool. He only goes from 9am-noon 4 days a week. So in that time I'm usually attempting to take a nap (but I usually get distracted by balancing the checkbook or paying bills or, I don't know... shiny things.) Then I pick Tate up, bring him home to eat lunch, he plays for a bit while I try to get some photo editing done, then we go pick the big boys up. Since I'm typically unsuccessful with a nap in the morning, I make attempt #2 to take a nap in the afternoon, before I go into work at 6pm. Todd and I are basically 2 single parents parenting the same kids on opposite shifts these days. Time management has never been my strong suit anyway, so that probably doesn't help. On my days off, I'm constantly working on my photography business... shooting, editing, returning calls, etc. I would give my left arm to have a clean house, a night off, and be caught up on editing so that I can simply sit down with Todd and watch TV for an hour after the kids go to bed. I don't even know what's on any more. I haven't turned on my TV for myself in months. But I'd still give my left arm for it. I'm struggling with making a big decision pertaining to my insane schedule, and I'd really appreciate prayers.... specifically for wisdom and guidance. And maybe a billboard (I'm not very good with signs). Or a 2x4 upside the head would work too. You know, something I can't miss. Anyway, all that to say that if you call me, email me, or facebook me and I don't respond for a while, it's not because I don't like you or want to talk to you... it's because I don't have time for you. :) But seriously, I miss my friends and I do want to hear from you... don't give up on me. I appreciate your patience!

I need to get up early tomorrow for a morning photo session, so I better close this out now. My goal for this week is to finally dump the photos to my computer from our trip to California at the end of March. (I know, I know! Patience, remember?) When I get that done, I'll post some for you. Good night!

Round 2 of the Model Search! We made it!

2011-05-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

I was literally tearing up at the sight of the list of names of people who voted for my sweet boy during Round 1 of the Knuckleheads Clothing Model/Photographer Search. Yes, I'm a dork, but I'm serious. It means SO much to me to have your support, not just for this, but over the last several months. It's awesome to know that there are people out there who love my little guy so much! The fantastic news - Your votes got us through to Round 2! So here we go again, right? :) Well, the good news is that although we need you to vote again, I'm sweetening the pot! I'm happy to give away a photo session and print package ($261 value) for every 75 votes that Tate gets for this contest! So far, that will be at least 2 packages to give away! We need lots more votes though! He needs to be in the top 5 to continue to the third and final round. (In other good news, we won't need your votes for that one. :) The winner will be chosen from the Top 5 by Knuckleheads staff). At last check, we were tied for 7th. So PLEASE, go vote!

Step 1: Go to the Knuckleheads Clothing page and click "Like" (if you haven't already!)

Step 2: Go here and click Like.

Seriously, that's all I have to do to be entered in your amazing photography giveaway, you ask? Yep, that's it! And for FIVE BONUS ENTRIES, just copy and paste the link to his photo (the second link here) on your own facebook page and when the little box pops up for you to write in, leave instructions on voting (Like Knuckleheads Clothing first, then click on the photo of Tate to make it bigger and click Like!

BONUS GIVEAWAY: Knuckleheads Clothing is giving away a $100 gift certificate to one lucky voter!

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and VOTE AND REPOST!

THANK YOU!!!

*Voting ends at noon EST on Monday.
*Photography prize is transferable. No cash value.
*Photography prize includes a free one hour session, 2 8x10s, 4 5x7s, and 10 4x6s.

Vote for Tate in the Knuckleheads Model Search!

2011-05-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's voting week, apparently. Sorry about that. All for good causes though! In our case, that would be a bunch of new clothes from Knuckleheads Clothing for Tate! They are looking for a model/photographer combo... a super cute kid with lots of personality, and a mama who can take great photos of him! So you KNOW I'm in! Tate has a couple of things from Knuckleheads and loves them, so this is a great way to get him more without breaking the bank! And it would be super fun to get to photograph my super adorable kid and have it published. :) So that brings me to you. Begging. Yes, seriously. If you're on facebook, go "like" the Knuckleheads Clothing page. Then follow this link to Tate's photo on their page and click "like". That's it. Easy peasy. And it would mean the world to Tate. At last check, we're holding 7th place out of 425 entries! But every vote counts, and there are lots of entries that are RIGHT on our heels. So please go vote! Voting ends May 11th, then the top 10 entrants with the most "likes" on their photos goes to round 2, which is where the Knuckleheads staff will narrow the finalists to 3! Then each of the 3 will submit one more photo, and the winner will be chosen. We appreciate your effort! Thanks so much!

Here's a peek at the photo I entered....

(Side note: I have some cute photos of him in one of his fedoras from Knuckleheads and was going to enter those, until I realized that he only had one eye back then. I wasn't sure if he'd get a modeling job by me saying "No worries, he has 2 eyes now, and they look pretty close to alike!" So yeah, he only had one eye in this one too, but with that super cute big grin, his eyes scrunch up so you can't tell anyway. It's all good.)

Patrice for Mother of the Year! Please read her story and vote!

2011-05-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I know I'm WAAAAYYYYY behind on blogging. I've been super crazy busy lately (more on that later), but I wanted to take a minute to tell you about my dear friend, Patrice. Her blog link is at the top of my blog, so I know many of you already know about her. Her little boy, Jonah, has EB (Epidermolysis Bullosa), which is a very rare skin disease that causes his skin to blister and slough off with even the slightest friction (think about how often babies rub their faces, or when they scratch when their skin itches). He requires constant care, including a bath and full-body dressing change every day, which takes hours to complete, and is often painful for Jonah. They can't be out when it's too hot (75 and sunny), as it will irritate his skin, so they are often housebound. He requires tube feedings most days, as his mouth and throat blisters, so that it can be painful for him to eat food by mouth. Jonah is a champ though, and the cutest little guy ever. He gets his strength from his amazing mom, and she gives all credit and glory to God. She is the most fantastic mom I know, and although she has given up her job and "normal" life to give constant care and love to her sweet boy, she knows that she is the one blessed to be chosen by God to be his mommy.

All that to say, she has been nominated and chosen as a Top Ten Finalist for a Mother of the Year contest in a local organization. She definitely deserves this honor (although she would tell you she doesn't, and that she only does what any mom in her position would do), but I would ask that you go vote for her! There is a fantastic prize package up for grabs, and she would thoroughly enjoy it and appreciate it! You can check out her blog here and her family's story here. Please go to this link to vote for this very deserving friend of mine, Patrice Williams!

showing off

2011-04-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Besides the thousands of dollars in medical bills, we spend a lot of money on other things for Tate... like on his sunglasses (more than we ever have on our own!). Granted, I usually find whatever is $10 or less for myself because I know it's only a matter of time until they're sat on or one of the arms is broken off when the kids are playing dress up with them.

Anyway, at our checkup with our surgeon a couple of weeks ago, he told us that we need to get more sturdy frames and thicker lenses for Tate's regular glasses since they're for protection. But we're not supposed to do that until we see the ocularist again for an adjustment on his prosthesis, so the doc can prescribe a "minus" lens to make his fake eye look like it's the same size as his real eye when he wears his glasses. We're not heading back to the ocularist for at least another month, so the eye can "settle" more, so the adjustment will be more accurate. So in the meantime, we decided it was time to go buy him another (larger) pair of good sunglasses again. We really like Julbo brand. They're very well built, and Tate loves the designs. They're about $40, so we keep a good eye on him when he's wearing them so he doesn't scratch, break, or lose them. He's pretty good with his glasses now, so hopefully we'll have these for a long time. $40 isn't a huge amount (and worth every penny for his protection), but considering we get the 2 for $6 special at Children's Place for the other boys, this is always a big event when we "upgrade" his sunglasses.

He chose these himself.... and I'm pretty sure that only a kid as cool as Tate can pull off this look. I was happy that he found some that he'll wear... if he'll wear them, I'll buy them. When I was pulling up a couple of photos for the blog today, I said playfully to Tate "Hey, Tate, who is in this photo?" He said excitedly, "That's me!" I said "It is???" He replied, "Yes!! I can tell by the shirt and glasses!" Well, apparently, we'll have to hang on to the shirt and glasses forever. I'd be worried otherwise.

first time for everything

2011-03-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

We went to Walmart for some grocery shopping tonight, and Tate wasn't exactly on his best behavior. In his defense, he was probably pretty tired, as we'd had a long day, but nevertheless, misbehaving children don't get to buy the new Hot Wheels car they hand-picked. Of course, this denial-of-prize was followed with one of the worst tantrums he's thrown since his surgery. It's hard to believe that tantrums like this were a daily occurrence pre-op. I really am not sure how I dealt with it for so long without completely losing my mind. Or maybe I did lose my mind. Or maybe my mind just stepped away from the situation for a bit and went out for a drink. Yep, I think that's it. I went to my happy place (not literally of course, no need to call DSS and tell them I abandoned my child). But somehow, Tate and I both made it through all those kicking, screaming tantrums.

You know how they say that different kids have different personalities, even when they're related, raised together by the same parents, etc, etc? I never had the issues with Jake and Noah that I have with Tate. They were disciplined, but they obeyed well, and usually taking away a privilege or a toy was enough to make my point and get them to behave. Then came Tate. As he grew up and became more strong-willed and stubborn, I thought This one is my challenge. This one is going to be my willful (and incidently, last!) child. I really just thought he was a brat.... as in, that was his personality - BRAT. I never realized how much pain he was in until it was gone (I don't think he did either). I know I've said it before, but he really has completely changed since his surgery, and it gets better every day. EVERYONE has noticed it... everyone who spends any time with him has commented on how happy he is now. Days like today... (actually, I should say tonight, because I had the boys out ALL DAY, and they all did really well until tonight....) are few and far between. I think what's left of the tantrums and behavior issues are just him being 4 years old, and we'll keep working on discipline for that. But I'm so glad that it's so infrequent now. He's a sweet kid with a smile and a hug for all his friends and family, and that's the boy I always ~~knew~~ hoped was under that brat exterior.

So yeah, I have a point to my long-winded story. At some point during Tate's tantrum in the car on the way home from Walmart (did I mention I am glad he saved it for the car instead of the store, so I could avoid getting those stares from people?) he was crying a lot and must have rubbed his eye. Yeah, the fake one. So when we got home, I was holding him and talking to him about his terrible behavior while we were out. I kept getting distracted during our conversation by his "crazy eye". I wasn't sure why it was crazy, but it sure as heck didn't look right. So I laid him down on the couch and turned the light on. I pulled up his top eyelid... no red dot. Uh oh. You may remember from a previous post that dot marks the top of his eye so we know how to put it in correctly. So I pull his lower lid down. Yep, red dot. So I tell Todd.... Um, honey, Tate's eye is upside down. (There are certain things you never thought you'd have to say, that would be one of them.) So we take him upstairs to get our fancy suction-cup-on-a-stick to attempt to take his eye out for the first time.

Now, you've had the backstory... you do realize that this means that he's not exactly cooperative to the phrase Tate, we're just going to take your eye out because it's upside down. We'll clean it and put it right back in, ok? Yeah, notsomuch. He starts crying (without the kicking this time, thank goodness) but we can't exactly take his eye out with him fighting us and flailing his arms all around. Maybe when we're better at it, but remember, this is the first time. We try distracting him, being silly, giving him his stuffed animals to keep his hands busy, all to no avail. I told Todd that we needed to pray. That was all I could think of... that we needed to pray for him to be calm and to know that he wouldn't have pain, and that we were doing what was best for him. He really calmed down after we prayed, and with very little struggle from Tate, we got his eye out. I really expected to hear a POP! sound, but it didn't happen (yeah, I was a little bummed about that). I washed his eye while Todd comforted him, put some mineral oil on it, and after a few minutes of talking to him about it, promising him the car that he didn't get tonight, a bowl of popcorn and a family movie (hey, don't judge, you do what you gotta do when your kid needs his eye put back in), he agreed to let me put it back in. So all is well, we got over the obstacle that we were nervous about, and we all survived it. :)

Sorry I don't have any photos, I kinda had my hands full. Photos soon, though, I promise. I will hopefully have some to share soon from our trip to California earlier this week. We had a nice little 3 day mini-vacation for the boys' spring break, and let me tell ya, it was just what the doctor ordered.

silly boy

2011-03-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. There's this crazy thing called work, and I've been having to go a lot more than I used to! I'm working full-time nights now, still juggling my booming photography business, 3 kids and a husband, and trying to keep the walls of my house from falling down and the laundry pile shorter than me. It's insane all the time, and next week, ALL THREE boys start soccer. You know... because we didn't have enough going on, and I like to find things to do in my spare time. Besides sleep, that is. I am completely dependent on my calendar lately, and my biggest fear is that I will forget a photo session and not show up. Yes, seriously. I have nightmares about it. You know, when I actually get to sleep... which is usually from about 4am to 7am each morning. More than enough, really. So if you've booked a photo session with me, it's probably not a bad idea to send me an email or facebook me a day or two before the session... I wish I was kidding. I mean, I don't think that would really happen... I wouldn't really forget... but just in case.

Tate is doing great. He is happier with each day, and honestly a pure joy to be around. I absolutely adore him. I remember the days that he was throwing full-on kicking and crying tantrums every morning, and now that seems like a lifetime ago. It makes me sad for him that he was in so much pain before, that this surgery completely changed his personality. I wonder if we should have done it sooner... but if you've been reading my blog, you know that it took a while for us to be certain that this was the right move at all, so I know it was all in God's timing. I am forever grateful that we were confident going into this surgery, and even more grateful that our decision has been confirmed over and over... with each smile on his face. Speaking of his face, I got to see a lot of his faces today. Thought we'd share some with you...

Also, I'd like you to meet Tate's new friend.

He loves his bunny, and decided to take him to run errands with us a couple of days ago. I realized that Tate hadn't named him yet, so we had a little conversation about it... it went like this:
Me: Tate, I like your bunny. You haven't named him yet... what are you going to name him?
Tate: What do you think his name is, Mommy? (This is Tate's way of asking what I think we should name him)
Me: How about Peter? Like Peter Cottontail?
Tate: Is that what you think his name is?
Me: Actually, what about Cotton? That's a cute name! Like Peter Cottontail! (Singing) Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin' down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity Easter's on its way....
Tate: Nah, I'll just name him Boxes of Wood.

I love that kid.

the making of tate's prosthetic eye...

2011-03-01T08:50:00.000-08:00

Ready to roll! Conformer is out....

Numbing drops...

You'll see the purpose of that stem sticking out of his eye in the next photo...

This is how he gets the impression... Tate obviously wasn't a huge fan of this, but he did GREAT.

Waiting for it to set.... about 4 minutes.

Mr Boyd was documenting also!

First fitting

The "stem" is still on the prosthetic... making sure his eyes will be looking the same direction.

Initial painting

Checking the base color to see how he's doing

He has this awesome light/magnifying glass so he can see all the colors in Tate's real eye and match them up.

Poked and prodded all day and still my happy boy!

Wow. Cool, huh? The red dot marks the top of his eye.

Trying it on... can't tell what needs to be adjusted until he's wearing it.

Iris needs to be bigger and moved down... also he will trim some of the white off the lower outer lid area.

Taking it out with a special suction cup.

Making adjustments....

Looking good!

Putting it back in. Did I mention how brave my little guy was???

His eyelids were swollen, made worse by his cold. As you saw from the photo in the previous post, it settled down even before we left the office. We will call Mr Boyd in about a month and go in to have any "fine-tuning" done that may need done. His prosthesis will settle more over time, and the swelling made a big difference. It's really amazing to see my boy with 2 eyes!

I am so incredibly proud of Tate. He really amazes me with the strength he continues to have despite everything he's been through. God definitely gives us what we need!

tate's new eye

2011-02-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a short post... I'm exhausted. But this day was phenomenal. Tate got his new eye made today and he loves it! We all do. I'll do a more in-depth, tons-of-photos post in a day or two, but for now, I just wanted to let you know that it went very well! Thank you again for all of your support!

This is Tate with his ocularist, Michael Boyd! Thank you, Mr Boyd. We are so happy!

here we go!

2011-02-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

The appointment time has arrived. The surgeon has given the go-ahead, the ~~bribes~~ rewards have been decided, and the child is getting a good night's rest. We are leaving bright and early (7am) to head to Burlington for Tate's appointment to have his prosthetic eye made. It's an all-day appointment, but we won't have to stay in the office all day. There will be several stages to the appointment, and we'll be able to come and go between them. The part that I'd like to request prayer for, of course, is getting a good impression. This is where he has to be still for THREE WHOLE MINUTES. I bet most of you couldn't do that. Yeah, neither could I. So... prayers are appreciated (as always!) and I will keep facebook updated during the day. I have been given permission by the ocularist to bring my camera to the appointment and document the day for all of you. I hope that I'll at least be able to do a quick update tomorrow night, but I may not be able to do a full post on it until Sunday or so. For those of you who don't know, I'm back to working full-time nights now at the airline, so I keep really busy anyway, but we're planning to take the boys to the zoo on Saturday if the weather holds out, as an extra prize for Tate.

I can't believe this day is finally here. It's been such a whirlwind. It's hard to believe it's been 6 weeks since his surgery already, but on the other hand, it seems like it's been forever. We're getting used to seeing him without an eye now. I remember when he first started going without his bandage that I flinched a couple of times when I looked at him. Not because I was grossed out or anything, but just because I would forget for a minute. That's a good thing.... to not think about it all the time. He's such a happy, normal kid. And that's all I want for him. He's still not excited about getting his new eye. I asked him tonight if he wanted to bring his new sock monkey that his Nana got him... he said "No, Mommy, I don't want him to get hurt." That breaks my heart. We've reassured him again and again that it won't hurt. I told him a couple of weeks ago when he was worried about it hurting that it would hurt even less than his surgery did. He said "But my surgery didn't hurt!" I told him that was great and that everything would be easy-peasy then. I know he's scared. I mean, really... he's 4 years old. It has to be nerve-wracking... just the anticipation alone. He doesn't know what to expect (frankly, neither do I) but I really think he'll do great.

The timing seems good to get his prosthetic. He has a little cold, and apparently, that makes his eye socket pretty gunky. I was cleaning it today, and let me put it this way, I thought I'd never get all that stuff out through those little holes in his conformer. Sorry people, this is my new reality, so I'm sharing it with all of you. You're welcome. I'm hoping it will be easier to clean with an eye that comes out as opposed to a conformer that doesn't (or at least, it shouldn't).

I can't wait to see what Tate looks like with two eyes that look the same. That's something he's never had. I hear a lot from people who have prosthetic eyes, or who have kids that do, that no one can tell. But I know his eye won't move the same as his real eye, and it may have a different look to it, but I know that however it turns out, it'll be so much better than what he had before!

I want to thank all of you again for all the support and prayers we've received throughout Tate's journey. It means more to us than you'll ever realize. Hopefully we are towards the end of the dramatic portion of this journey, but of course, I'll keep you updated on him. Maybe I'll even blog about something else someday. Anyone want to see the letter I sent to Sprint's CEO? It prompted a call-back from the executive office....

one month post-op (with lots of photos, so i don't bore you to death)

2011-02-14T22:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a month and 2 days since Tate's surgery... it feels like it's been years. It's so fantastic to be at peace. Even better - that Tate is at peace. He has been making no effort to wear a patch or bandage. He just wears his glasses every day. He isn't self-conscious (bonus of having this done at 4 years old!) and he doesn't seem to think about it anymore at all. He has said that his eye never hurts anymore, and even though I've heard that a hundred times now, it still brings tears to my eyes. When we made the decision in November to have this surgery done, we thought we'd never really know if it was the right thing to do... that we'd never know if we could have or should have waited... but God made it clear in the last few weeks before surgery that Tate couldn't wait. Even then, it was a gut-wrenching decision. But not anymore. Those feelings of anxiety are all gone. We have complete peace. And let me tell you, that is a great feeling. God is good!

We are starting another countdown. Tate will have his prosthetic eye made on February 25th. Only 10 more days! We see his surgeon on the 22nd for a followup from the surgery. We are praying for a good report, that everything is healing well (as it seems to be), so we can go on with the appointment with the ocularist on the 25th. It will be a long day next Friday... it'll take something like 8 hours from start to finish. But he will have his eye by the time we leave that day! I am hoping to take my camera and document the day... I need to call and make sure it's ok.

I can't wait to see what my kiddo looks like afterward! I'm sure he'll be just as handsome as ever. :) I have perused the internet and youtube, looking for photos and videos of people with prosthetic eyes. I think it typically is a bit obvious (although that might be because I'm looking for it), but I figured that even if they don't look identical, or if you can tell that there's something "off" about his eye, it'll still look better than his real eye ever did!

Tate, on the other hand, isn't so excited about it. He is very nervous about the whole idea of having an eye that we'll have to take out sometimes to clean. His conformer doesn't come out, and he's happy with that. He isn't concerned at all about having 2 eyes that look alike, so that doesn't increase his interest in getting his new eye. I really need him to be ok with getting his new eye made. He has to be still for THREE MINUTES for the mold to set in his eye socket. That means no flinching, squinting, anything.... they have to get a good impression of the eye socket to be able to do a good job making his eye. I honestly don't know if I could sit still for three whole minutes! Please pray that he will be relaxed and at ease for that important time during his appointment.

We went to visit family in Kentucky this past weekend. We were there to celebrate my Dad's 60th birthday! It was a fun and much-needed trip. I snuck out one morning to take some photos of the boys out by a barn. With the exception of my little models being hounded by a neighbor dog (pun intended), it was a fun quick session! Thought I'd share a few....

This handsome guy is my oldest, Jake. Sorry ladies, he's only 10! :)

This is my super-sweet Noah, my middle kid.

Tate really is a little rock star.

I ordered the boys some fedoras from Knuckleheads Clothing... Tate loved his, and wanted to show it off for some photos while his big brothers were doing homework this afternoon.

Thanks for checking in on my little guy once again! We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers!

~jenn

worth celebrating

2011-02-02T17:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. Remember right after Tate's surgery when I said that I was happy that Tate would be pain-free, but I wasn't quite ready to celebrate the fact that he had to have his eye removed? How quickly things change. He is SO happy, the behavior issues he had before are at a minimum, and he is the sweetest thing in the world. Did I mention how happy he is?

Now THAT'S worth celebrating.

the big reveal!

2011-01-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

Tate has been doing FANTASTIC. Like better than I would have ever imagined. I can't say thank you enough to those who have been praying for us, supporting us, encouraging us, and feeding us. :) And thank you especially to our great God, who is healing my boy so quickly, and who has given us all the strength we need!

I've been dreading the moment that Tate asks to see his eye (or lack thereof). I kept picturing him looking in the mirror, then screaming in horror at the realization that the doctor really did take it out. Well, let me tell you, I have one fantastic kid. (Ok, I actually have 3 fantastic kids, but we'll just talk about this one for now.)

We were in the mall today for a quick shopping trip and lunch. I usually speed past all those kiosks in the aisle, but today, we found one with some super cute knit animal hats. I'm pretty sure Tate spent about 3 hours trying them ALL on, trying to find the perfect one. I thought the alien with one eye would win out (he has a soft spot for all things with one eye), but he settled on a puppy hat. Since they had a special (buy one get one 50% off), I picked out a second hat, and it looked just as adorable on him, so we bought it too. As a photographer, I'm always keeping my eye out for cute props and accessories, and these fit the bill well. So after we picked up the big kids from school, I asked Tate if I could take some photos of him in his new puppy hat (you know, since he hadn't taken it off since we left the cash register at the kiosk). We snapped a few quick photos outside.

My happy boy...

Ok, so this photo is a little heavy on the "cheese". :) But it gives you a good view of how his eye looks now.

A few minutes ago, Tate was washing his hands, and that was the first time he'd been near a mirror without his eye bandage on. I was waiting for him to finish, then heard him say "Mommy, I see the pink stuff in my eye socket now." I braced myself for the screaming-in-terror to begin, but it never did. When I looked over, he had his left eye closed. I told him he could look at it again if he wanted, and he did. I asked him what he thought of it. He said "I think it's a cool eye, Mommy!" Wow, that's what I ~~wanted~~ needed to hear! I said, "Me too, buddy!" then I asked him if he'd like to see the photos I just took, he said sure. So we looked at the photos, he sort of nodded in approval, and off he went to play his Wii game. I'm SO incredibly proud of my big boy.

funny kid!

2011-01-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

Tate had his first day back to preschool yesterday! I NEVER expected that he'd be back to school just one week post-op, but he had been feeling great and was getting his energy back. I planned to take him in for an hour and a half or so. I knew he missed his friends (and his friends missed him!) and I thought it would be good to ease him back into the swing of things. So we went in a 9am (ok, who am I fooling? We were a few minutes late, as always!) and it took him a few minutes to ~~step foot in the door~~ warm up. Before long, he was building legos with his friends and having fun! I took a book with us to read to Tate's class called "My Fake Eye". The kids really seemed to enjoy it, and I think it answered most of their questions. So after reading the book, the kids had snacks, then they all made and decorated eye patches so they could be cool like Tate. :) By then, it was 10:30, and it was play time. That's the part I was nervous about because I was afraid Tate might get hurt. When I asked him if he was ready to go home, he said "You go ahead, Mommy... I want to stay here and play." I was surprised, but glad that he was happy to be back with his friends. I knew he'd be in good hands with his wonderful teachers, so I left him for the rest of the preschool day. Have I mentioned how proud of him I am?

Since Tate had been doing better than we ever expected, we went ahead and took him back to church last night for class and preschool choir practice. He fell asleep on the way there (probably all that playing at school!), so we put his name tag sticker on the back of his coat. When he woke up a little later, I pulled the name tag off his coat and started to put it on his shirt. This was our conversation:

T: Mommy! I don't need a sticker!

Me: Yes, Tate, you need your name sticker on your shirt.

T: Mommy! I reeeeeallly don't need a sticker.

Me: Why don't you need a sticker?

T: Because, Mommy. I was in the newspaper. They know who I am!

Boy, do I have my hands full with this one!

catching up...

2011-01-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... it's been a while. And you'd think that being housebound would give me lots of time to blog! We've been enjoying family time since the surgery, so I haven't been on the computer as much. So let's get caught up....

We had a good first day home on Thursday. Tate had a good day, relatively pain-free. He only had pain meds one time that day, but I did end up calling the doctor on call at the hospital because of the amount of bloody drainage on his bandage. They never mentioned anything about how much we should expect, and when the bandage that we were supposed to keep on until Saturday began to "overflow" a little by Thursday night, I was worried. The doctor was very nice though, and said if it was saturated by Friday to bring him in, but otherwise, it sounded like it was perfectly normal. He had a good day Friday also, and the bandage didn't get too much worse, so we knew we could hang on until our appointment Saturday morning. He only needed pain medication once on Friday also, but I ended up calling the hospital AGAIN on Friday night... Tate's eyes started itching (both of them) really badly after his afternoon nap on Friday. We could not keep him from rubbing his eyes. We were literally trying to hold his hands down so he wouldn't rub his eyes, but we could hardly keep it up. After about 4 hours of this (and his good eye was all red and puffy because of rubbing it so much), we finally called the doctor on call to see what we could do, and what might be causing the horrible itching. He had no idea what the cause could be, but we were told to get Zatidor (an antihistamine eye drop) for his good eye. That worked wonders! But there wasn't much we could do about the other eye, and he had been messing with it so much that blood was soaking through his patch. I just held him and held his hands until we both fell asleep.

Our appointment to get his bandage removed was at 9am on Saturday. I was REALLY nervous about this because I just didn't know what to expect. As some of you know, I have a weak stomach! I held Tate on my lap as the doctor (not our surgeon, but a doctor on his team) took Tate's bandage off. Since he was on my lap facing away from me, I couldn't see what it looked like until after she cleaned it up (which I figured was just as well). He definitely had some bruising, but the swelling was quite a bit less than we expected. Tate complained of pain as she cleaned up his eye, but he seemed to be doing ok. She had me lay Tate down in my lap so she could show us how to apply the eye ointment. Somewhere between her opening his eyelids and applying the ointment, Tate became ~~very pale~~ white as a ghost, super clammy, and passed out in my arms. I don't think the doctor realized it at first... she finished applying the eye ointment (which only took a couple of seconds) and I asked her if Tate was ok. I told her he was very pale and clammy. She said she was sure he must have just fallen asleep (ha! Not while she was doing that!) and that he was fine. She started calling his name, smacking the back of his hand, telling him to wake up... she got a little louder, and he was still unresponsive. So she started pressing his fingernails, then took his pulse. I was talking to him, pleading with him to wake up, calling his name... still, no response. I finally said, "Tate, you gotta wake up buddy! After this, we're going to Krispy Kreme to get donuts. What kind of donuts do you want?" Another moment of silence. Then, I hear the tiniest whisper... "Chocolate." I have NEVER been happier to hear the word chocolate in all my life! (And I'm usually pretty excited about that word!). I was so relieved that he was ok, but it was a big scare!

My mom took these photos at his appointment on Saturday morning...

See the color difference after he passed out? In Mom's defense, I don't think she realized he was unconscioius when she was taking this one!

Well, let me just say that putting the eye ointment in is a LOT easier when the kid is unconscious! To administer the ointment, he can't move at all. After removing his eye, the surgeon placed a conformer in his eye socket. The conformer is a clear plastic piece like a big contact lens that is a place holder until he gets his prosthetic. The conformer has 2 holes in it... one toward the inside corner of the eye socket, one toward the outside corner. We have to take the tip of the tiny tube of ointment and place the tip inside the hole, then squeeze the tube until we see the ointment fill in the whole area behind the conformer. Sounds like fun, right? We have to do this twice a day (morning and night). Some days are easier than others, but it does seem to be getting a little easier as Tate gets used to it, and as his eye heals. It takes two of us to apply the ointment, so I'm hoping this is just something we have to do until his followup appointment on Thursday morning, and not for the next 6 weeks or so until he gets his prosthetic!

I have been really pleased with how well Tate is doing. He is happy and playing with his brothers and friends. He loves when visitors come to see him! He isn't complaining of pain anymore. Praise God! He even seems to have a little bit of a sense of humor about it! Noah (our 8 year old) mentioned something last night when we were cleaning his "eye" about his eye being red. We both shushed him, because we didn't know how Tate would react to the comment (especially since we were in the middle of doing his eye ointment, and let's face it, it's hard enough to get that done without comments from the peanut gallery). So right after our concurrent "Shush!", Tate pipes up with "Noah, that's not my eye! I don't have an eye there anymore!" I was waiting for him to add "Duh!" but no luck. Noah, in his constant state of happiness, just smiled at his funny baby brother putting him in his place.

surgery day

2011-01-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it's over. And I can't tell you how relieved I am! We didn't have internet access at the hospital (they have wi-fi, but we had a weak signal in our room, so I couldn't connect), so I couldn't blog yesterday. So this is how it all went down....

We were scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7am for the surgery to begin at 830am. It was expected to last an hour and a half. We took Tate back to the pre-op area to get his hospital gown on (and he was NOT a fan, let me tell you!) and give him some cuddles before his surgery. We met with the anesthesiologist there, and got to sign the paper that says that I understand that a risk of anesthesia is death. I hate that form. I mean, I know I have to sign it, but I don't have to like it. Anyway, the nurse anesthetist brought Tate a cool little red wagon to ride to the OR in around 845am, but Tate wasn't having any part in that. So Rocker Birdie (Tate's hospital buddy) rode in the red wagon with his quilt, and Tate was carried off by a nurse, while yelling for his Mommy. Not my favorite part of the day. That, I am proud to say, is the only time I cried yesterday. I do admit to getting a little teary while waiting for his surgery to be over, but I wasn't the blubbering mess I was during his last surgery. Small victories, people... small victories.

This is the last photo I took of Tate's eye before surgery... The purple "K" above his eye marks the eye that they're taking out. I'm glad that's a system that works!

So we went to wait in the adult waiting area primarily because you can eat on that side. (Yes, I have my priorities.) My awesome mom made muffins, and brought apples and bottled water, so we wouldn't have to leave the waiting area to go get food. We got a call at 915am saying that they had just started, and that intubation and everything anesthesia-related went well.

My brother came to the hospital before work to wait with us for a while. My parents were also there waiting with us. This is my brother, Ted, on the left, Todd on the right.

I had been told that we'd get a call every hour to update us on the progress of the surgery, so when we were called to the pediatric waiting area at 1015am, I walked straight to the phone at the desk to wait for the call, barely noticing our surgeon standing there waiting to talk to us! I was confused as to why he was out there at first. I just remember saying "It's over? It's really over?" And I'm pretty sure I didn't mean the surgery. This long journey, this journey that we've been on for 4 1/2 years.... it's over. Finally. Ok, maybe not completely over, but this huge hurdle that I've been dreading for 2 months... this was such a big part of it. The beginning of the end. So our surgeon, Dr Y, proceeds to tell us that this is something we will never regret. The eye had degenerated so much, that he said that without a doubt, we had absolutely made the right decision. Phew. I mean, I knew that. You've seen photos... you've heard stories. You know what we were facing. But it gave me so much relief to hear it from the guy who saw his eye, the whole thing, that we had made the right gut-wrenching decision. Wow. Thank you, God. Dr Y told us that they were taking him to Recovery, and we'd get to see him soon. An extremely long HOUR AND 45 MINUTES LATER, we finally were told he was waking up and we could go see him. The extra long nap may or may not have been from us keeping him up til midnight the night before his surgery. I couldn't really say. But when we walked to Recovery, he was sitting up (kinda) and drinking Sierra Mist. He looked good. He had a bandage over his left eye. He was quiet, but responsive. His bed was then wheeled up to his room, and we followed along, praising God that his surgery went without complications!

Here is Tate, post-surgery, sporting the beautiful quilt that the sweet people over at Quilts of Compassion made for him before he went into the hospital back in August in Michigan. He was able to take the quilt and Rocker Birdie into the OR with him.

Getting some love and attention from his Nana right after we got settled into his room

The surgeon removed Tate's eye, inserted an implant behind the lining (the pink area like you see on the inside of your eye lid) and attached the muscles to it. They closed that lining, then inserted a plastic conformer in place of the eye (as a spaceholder while the eye socket heals). In 6-8 weeks, we'll travel to Burlington to visit the occularist to have his prosthetic eye made.

Tate had lots of visitors yesterday, and he enjoyed every minute of the attention. He even ventured to the playroom with his brothers and his best buddy Aiden for about 15 minutes. He was worn out after all the visitors came, so he finally dozed off around 530pm. His friend Bri's amazing mom, Lori, brought us dinner and some yummy cookies to the hospital room. Tate slept through dinner, but he enjoyed his Happy Meal for breakfast this morning. :) Todd and I watched a movie last night while Tate slept, then dozed off ourselves. Tate slept until 730am today. He hasn't had any pain meds since the IV bag around 1230pm yesterday. I was concerned that it would wear off at some point during the evening last night, and that he'd wake up screaming in pain, but that never happened. I had a feeling that whatever pain he was experiencing prior to surgery might be just as bad or worse than post-op pain, and it looks like I was probably right. He still hasn't complained of pain, and when I asked him earlier today if his eye hurt, his answer was "Just a tiny bit." I can live with that, especially considering that I was told to expect significant pain for 4 days, and also because we know that this pain will end.

Spoiled much? :) He got lots of fun gifts from friends who visited.

Chilling...

Grandma was making him peanut butter graham crackers on demand. He loved every minute of it.

Checking out the playroom... he only lasted about 15 minutes, but we were surprised that he was up for it at all!

We were discharged this morning around 9am, and we go back Saturday morning to have his bandage removed. I'm not looking forward to that. I can see some drainage on the bandage, so I can only imagine what his eye must look like. We'll learn how to take care of the eye area while it heals, and I'm assuming that we'll get more information about our upcoming visit to the occularist.

Overall, I'm relieved. That pretty much sums it up. I'm happy that the surgery went as well as could be expected, and that his pain level so far is so much better than I expected. As I was texting friends and family yesterday to let them know when he was out of surgery and that all went well, the response that I got most was "Yay!" I know why they were saying that. I really do understand. I was also super relieved that all went well... but I just felt like I couldn't celebrate that my kid's eye had just been surgically removed. I thank God that He was watching over my boy, and that we have gotten past this part of the journey. I don't want anyone to think for a second that I'm not thankful for Tate to be so close to pain-free, because I really am. And I'm hoping that very soon, I'll feel like REALLY CELEBRATING this part of the journey.

ready as we'll ever be!

2011-01-10T20:59:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe Tate's surgery is in less than 48 hours. We are SO ready. Ready for his pain to be relieved. Ready for this to be over with. Ready to move on. Well, maybe not quite ready. I still have to pack the bag for the hospital. I still have to get my camera gear ready. (You didn't think I'd forget to document this part of our journey for you, did you?) I still have to spend tomorrow cuddling with my three favorite boys on earth before our new normal begins. But then.... then we're ready.

My mother-in-law has made it here safely from Ohio. She'll be hanging out with Jake and Noah while we're at the hospital tending to Tate. And hopefully this icy weather will clear up quickly so they can get out of the house some! I am SO proud of the older boys for being so strong for their baby brother during this time. I can see their love for him in all the extra cuddles and help they've been giving him lately. I don't know that it's really hit home for them yet though. This day has been coming for nearly 2 months now, and maybe it just seems like all talk to them. It's a little surreal to me, too.

I'm going to try to get another photo of Tate's eye tomorrow. (I don't know why I feel the need to document everything.) He hasn't been opening it much lately, but he has opened it more today and yesterday than I've seen in a while. And hey, it's my last chance, right? Would it be too morbid/gross/weird if I wanted to see his eye after they take it out? I'm REALLY curious. Apparently, after you get to the point of being able to talk about the surgery without crying, the next step is wanting to see the organ after it's removed.

We'll get the call tomorrow to tell us what time his surgery will be. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for my little man. I can't tell you in words how much it means to us. I can't imagine having to go through this without the support of our family, church family, friends, and most importantly, our God.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

T - 6 days....

2011-01-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

You would have thought I was a first-time mom the way I freaked out when I heard Tate cough this morning. No offense to first-time moms, of course, but you tend to be able to diagnose everything from strep throat to dehydration to stomach flu yourself by the third kid. You know the "vomiting protocol" by heart, and you only call the doctor if you think you need antibiotics. I woke up extra early this morning, unable to sleep because all of a sudden I was really nervous that Tate was going to get sick before Wednesday, and the surgery would have to be postponed. I got the boys ready for school, and as we got in the van (it didn't help my nerves that the back doors were frozen shut, despite the fact that I warmed up the car first), I heard him cough. 3 times. It sounded bad. Pretty rough, kind of croupy. So of course, I panicked. I took the boys to school, and came home and picked up the phone at 8am. Lucky for me, my best friend is a nurse. It's pretty nice to have your own personal Dial-A-Nurse when you have 3 boys. So I told her what happened.... "Sarah! Tate coughed this morning!" She promptly laughed. She knew right away why I was nervous, and more than that, she knew me well enough to know that I'd HAVE to be nervous about SOMETHING for the next 6 days. And she calmed me down, told me I didn't have to rush him to the pediatrician to get him on antibiotics this morning, and told me they'd check him out at his pre-op appointment this afternoon. Phew. That was close.

As it turned out, Tate didn't cough the rest of the day. At least not real coughs. He has been happy all day, and seemed to be in very little, if any, pain. He did great during his quick check-up at his pre-op appointment. We didn't have to meet with the anesthesiologist today... we'll do that the morning of the surgery, since Tate is a healthy child. And I took care of paying the deductible to the hospital over the phone on Tuesday to save us a stop in the Finance office. So after the exam and some paperwork, we went to a little room so the PA could take measurements of Tate's good eye, so they can make the conformer for his left eye socket. That was when it started to hit home. He was having such a good day and with so little pain, that if he didn't start to flinch and squint because of the bright lights in the office, I think I would have picked him up and carried him out right then and there. But I know he needs this. And I know he will be ok. He'll be better than ok. He'll be healthier and happier when his sick eye is taken out. I know it will be an adjustment for us, but I also know it will be worth it. It just has to.

I am SO thankful for my friends and family. I have gotten so much support.... prayers, hugs, phone calls, and offers to help. I worry (cause that's what I do - worry) that some of the people who I have only recently gotten to know since all this chaos has been going on might think I'm nuts. Well, you know... more than I actually am. I've been so spastic with my emotions all over the place, panicking every day about something, off the deep end, worrying ALL the time. So I just want to say that I'm not usually this bad. Well, not quite. I do worry (especially when it comes to my kids), and I can be a little crazy and emotional at times (can't we all?), and I can be a control freak (what???). And you're thinking "So how is that all different from how you have been lately?" Ok, yeah, nevermind.

And because I know you only really come here to see my cute little boy (not listen to my endless babble), I'll share one of my favorite photos of him... I took this in July, right after we were first told that his eye was degenerating and would have to be removed at some point. I didn't know how long it would be, so I had an urge to take some photos of him as he was then. He will ALWAYS be perfect in my eyes.

changes

2010-12-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

A new year often represents changes for all of us. Some make resolutions to lose weight, pay off debt, spend more quality time with loved ones, or quit addictions. I've never been one for resolutions, because when I "fall off the wagon", which I ALWAYS do, it would be too tempting to say "Well, maybe next year." Instead, I am constantly trying to improve on myself (and believe me, I have PLENTY to improve on!) and I don't put time restrictions on it. That way, when I mess up, I know that tomorrow is a new day. I always have a list of things I want to change, which gets to be overwhelming sometimes. I'm always trying to be more financially responsible, lose weight, and spend my time more wisely all at once. (Nope, that's not the whole list, just the ones I'm willing to admit to at the moment.) I keep saying that I'll just try working on one thing at a time until I've made it routine, then work on the next, etc. Am I the only one who is impatient? I want everything perfect NOW. If I just do one thing at a time, I might be ringing in 2012 before I even make a dent in my list! I wish you all the best of luck in attaining your goals, whether they're New Year's Resolutions, or just something you'd like to improve on one day at a time.

Tate will have some big changes very soon. His surgery is in just 12 days, and I'm sure there will be some adjustment period for us. I am looking forward to seeing how God uses this in Tate's life. I don't know if that will be anytime soon, but I know He has a plan. Thank you for loving him, supporting him, and praying for him. And thank you for carrying on with us into 2011.

If you missed Tate's front page news article today in our local newspaper, the Winston-Salem Journal, you can view the article here.

letting my secret out

2010-12-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

Tate's surgery was originally scheduled for January 21st. We booked that date back on November 17th. It was so far away... it was like a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was far enough away to seem like maybe it would never really happen. I guess that's my secret... hoping that it would never really have to happen. This has been such an emotional rollercoaster for the last few months. After 3 years of everything going smoothly, we figured that the possibility of eventual eye removal was just something they have to tell you so they don't get sued.

I know God will take care of us. I know people are praying for us... for peace, for comfort, for God to carry us through this. We had the absolute pleasure yesterday of meeting David and his family. They showed us that it will all be ok. Things will be normal again. A different kind of normal, but our new normal. I KNOW that with my brain. But my heart... it feels like it's breaking into a thousand pieces. I just want to make it all better. Not by having my son's eye surgically removed... I want him to keep it and still be pain-free. When I first told him a few months ago that we were going to have to have his eye taken out so it won't hurt him anymore, he said "Please, Mommy, don't let them take it out. I want to keep my eye, but I want to be able to see out of it!" That's what I want for my son. I haven't lost my mind, I know that isn't going to happen. I know that we will go through with the surgery, his pain will finally be relieved, and we'll get used to caring for him a little differently. It just SUCKS. Can I say that without worrying that people might think I'm not strong enough? I know that in the grand scheme of things, losing an eye isn't a huge deal. It's just an eye, it's only one of his eyes, his condition won't spread to other parts of his body, and it's not life-threatening. But he's my kid. And it sucks. When you're a mother, your whole world is turned upside down. As a mother, you love your children so much that sometimes it physically hurts. You are responsible for this beautiful work of art that God has given you to care for. He does not belong to you, he belongs to God. But God has entrusted you with this precious child, and you are there to love him, protect him, and raise him in a Christian home. And no matter what, you NEVER want to see him hurting. I wish this hadn't happened. But I think I know one reason why it has. It has forced me to lean on God more than I ever have in my life. I have needed God, been on my knees in His presence, talked to God, leaned on Him, collapsed into His loving arms more than ever before. I know God has more purpose in this than bringing me closer to Him, but God amazes me with the way He always gives us that bright side. When things seem like they can't get any worse, He shows us that His hand is always in it. And for that, I'll always be thankful.

In other news, it looks as if Tate's surgery is being moved up. For those of you praying for a cancellation, THANK YOU! I got a call from the hospital this afternoon telling us to prepare for January 12th. I was crying on the phone with the receptionist who called me (they're probably getting used to that by now) but I was relieved to know that my son's pain would be eased a little sooner than we originally thought. I called Todd at work to tell him... he seemed glad to hear the news. I remember saying, "This is good, right?" He said "Yeah, of course." I asked him, "Then why am I crying?" That's when I realized what my secret was. This rollercoaster journey went from surreal to very real in a flash. Hold on tight, it's about to get crazy.

a glimpse of our new normal

2010-12-29T22:14:00.000-08:00

When I heard about a local family who had gone through an enucleation (eye removal) with their young son, I passed my number along so that I could ask them some questions. There is something about being able to sit down and chat with someone who has been through what you're facing that is SO much better than just reading about it on the internet. Kim called me the weekend before Christmas and we talked for over an hour. We decided to get our families together so we could meet her adorable little guy, David. We thought it would be best for Tate to keep it casual by just getting a couple of pizzas and letting the kids play. We were so excited to finally get to meet them tonight!

We showed up with dinner a little after 7 (a little late, since Todd's ~~piece of junk~~ car decided to break down on his way home from work!), and we sat down to eat. The kids were kind of quiet during dinner, but by the time they were finished eating, it was like they were all old friends. They ran off to play while Todd and I chatted with Kim and Rob. David lost his eye from retinoblastoma (cancer) when he was 2. He didn't get his prosthetic eye for several months afterwards because of the chemo and radiation he was undergoing. He is such a sweet boy, and so smart. He told us all about his prosthetic eye. It happened to be cleaning time while we were there, so we got to see how that works. Here are a few of the photos I took tonight:

David takes his eye out by himself.

It was quick!

The prosthetic eye isn't a ball-shape like you see in the cartoons. The underside is concave, so it's more like a really thick contact lens. They're made of acrylic. They're also hand-painted. It's amazing.

Still smiling!

And it's back in! David takes his eye out, but his mom puts it back in for him, with the assistance of some eye ointment and mineral oil to help it go smoothly. What a cutie!

They only take his eye out when it's irritating him, like when he gets an eyelash or something in it. There are telltale signs like redness around his eyelids or David rubbing his eye. (Kim warned us that when David rubs his eye, it will often get turned upside down!) A wash with warm water and Ivory bar soap, and a squirt of eye ointment and a little mineral oil on the back, and it's ready to slide back in. It had been a couple of weeks since they had to take it out last. The general rule is "Don't bother it unless it's bothering you." We looked through some photos of David before and after his surgery. His "before" photos were just pitiful. He had so much pain before his surgery, that he didn't even need pain medications post-op. I wonder how Tate will do.

I felt better than I expected about the whole thing. Everyone was waiting to see how Tate would do, and I was worried about how I would do! We talked a lot about God bringing us through trials, and always giving us enough strength to handle whatever it is that we're dealing with. There have been times that I have just wanted to throw a good old-fashioned temper tantrum and say "This is it, God! This is my limit!", but I know that He will carry me through these times. It's okay to grieve and cry and struggle, but in the end, we will lay it as His feet, and He will pull us through. Only God knows the plans that He has for us, and I know He has big plans for Tate! He has a reason. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

All of the boys enjoyed meeting David and his family. Jake and Noah weren't afraid to get a super close look at David without his eye in. They both said later that they were surprised that the eye wasn't a ball shape, and that it didn't bother them at all to see David without his eye. I think Jake was more surprised than anyone that it didn't bother him. He was pretty nervous about it beforehand. Tate was really clingy to Todd while David took his eye out. He was facing away, but Kim said she saw him peeking some. I thought it would be best to tell Tate about David ahead of time, and that we'd get to see his super-cool eye, but I think he needs to get more comfortable before he's ready to really watch. We plan to get the kids together again soon to play, and they assured us that they're there anytime Tate decides he's ready to see what it's like to have a prosthetic eye. Tate might have his own before he decides he's ready to see it! :)

I talked to Jake and Noah when we got home, so I could answer any questions they might have. We talked about why David had to have his eye removed, and we talked about the bone growing in the back of Tate's eye. Jake and Noah both have a newfound sympathy for Tate. It might keep them from wrestling around with him so much. For a day or two, anyway. The boys decided that they didn't want to bring Tate's sick eye home from the hospital, that they'd rather donate it to science (um, yeah... good plan!). We prayed for David and Tate, and the boys went to sleep.

As far as Todd's car goes, we'll worry about that tomorrow. We're praying that it's something that isn't too expensive to fix since our funds are pretty much tapped out between having to use our emergency fund to replace our washer and dryer and the medical bills rolling in. When it rains, it pours, but God always provides. Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

puppy dog patches

2010-12-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

I think I mentioned a while back that I ordered a cute little puppy dog paw print eye patch for Tate, per his request. Have I mentioned that he's refused to wear it? Yes, in perfect stubborn-4-year-old style, he has refused to put on his hand-picked eye patch. I'm not delusional, I know it's a big change. I have only encouraged him to wear it so far for a few minutes each day so he can get used to it... after all, he'll be wearing it quite a bit here in just a few weeks. We got cloth patches to avoid irritating his skin with the Orthopads or other similar sticky patches. You can tell him all day that he'll be cool like a pirate, but still no dice.

I blogged yesterday about being concerned about his sensitivity to light. We did start him back on the drops, and put a call in to the doctor's office to see if they have any advice on the issue, or if we can even move Tate's surgery up under "emergency" circumstances. I have a hard time feeling like it's an emergency, because it seems like more than half of his day, he is playing and having fun with his brothers. I do know he's in pain, even through those times, because of the way he's constantly messing with his eye, pushing his fingers into it, and leaning on his palm with it. But until it's affecting daily life, I don't know that it really constitutes an emergency. Not that it matters today... the surgeon is on vacation until next week. Maybe we'll get a call then that they can work him in... I definitely worry about it some days more than others.

ANYWAY... back to my point. Yeah, I tend to get off track sometimes. Since no one seems to have any good advice on dealing with light sensitivity, I thought this might be a good time to enforce patch-wearing... figuring that if anything helps, that will. So I explained to Tate last night that I expected him to wear his patch for at least 15 minutes today. I told him that I want to help his eye not hurt from the light. He ~~complained~~ complied, of course. I put his patch on him at 11:30 this morning. We watched Jake play Epic Mickey on the Wii. I had to hold Tate's hands for a while, because his instinct is to pull it right off. After a few minutes, he wanted me to let go of his hands, which I did. And he was fine. He didn't mess with it, except to adjust it a little. I ~~bribed~~ rewarded him with brownies, and he got to help me make them. He kept his patch on during this adventure, so in typical photographer-mom fashion, I snapped a couple of quick photos for your enjoyment.

He really had to summon his Spidey strength to stir that brownie mix!

Please ignore the bed-head. It is still Christmas break, you know. So you want to know how long Tate wore his patch? TWO HOURS! Then he came to me right after he pulled it off and said "Mommy, is my 10 minutes up yet?" I really need to teach that kid how to tell time. Maybe later. :)

it's worth a shot...

2010-12-27T21:01:00.001-08:00

Ok, so a while back, we made a conscious decision to stop giving Tate his eye drops that were prescribed to treat his glaucoma. They seemed to have become ineffective, as we were told they probably would, because he was still having pain despite the drops. The drops seemed to be doing more harm than good... he hated getting drops because they would sting his eye so bad. His eye got SO red afterwards... it was awful. So we stopped giving them to him. We didn't consult the doctor first, but at this point, we knew the eye was being removed soon, so we didn't sweat it.

Fast forward to today... he has been having a lot of trouble with light sensitivity, which can be caused by a few things, from what I've been reading, one of which is glaucoma. He also has been having pain much more regularly. As I've mentioned before, the pain can be caused from a few things that all have to do with the degeneration of his eye... his glaucoma, the band keratopathy (calcium deposits on cornea), or the calcium formation in the back of his eye, which has formed a bone. We assumed the bone in the back of the eye was the cause of most of the pain (sounds like it would be, right?), especially since the glaucoma drops didn't seem to be helping. But Tate actually asked for his drops today... he informed me that he should be getting those drops every day (if only he felt that way about his pain medicine!). Well, it wouldn't be the first time we let the 4-year-old call the shots. As soon as he said it, I got the drops out... I don't know how much it will help, but it's worth a shot. And I'm proud to say that he took them like a champ.

finally!

2010-12-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

So Tate was having some swelling and some pain this morning... enough to actually voice it. Although this is always a dead giveaway that he's hurting...

He presses the palm of his hand into his eye and leans on it that way. That's what helps to relieve the pain for him. This is what I noticed first this morning. So I asked him if he was ok... he said his eye was hurting. Not a good sign. His baseline of pain is quite a bit higher than you or me, so if it hurts enough for him to complain about it, it REALLY hurts. I offered him the bubble-gum flavored chewable Tylenol that he picked out at the store last week. Of course, he refused it. I finally got him to try one (his dosage is 3). He chewed for a few seconds, then made the face of disgust (completely intentional on his part. I really don't think he minds the meds, it's just one of his control issues). It was actually kinda cute. :) It took quite a bit of deal-making to get him to take the other two, but finally, he chewed them up (after I served them to him on a spoon out of his oatmeal bowl, per his request.) I asked him a little while ago if his eye was still hurting or feeling better... he said it was feeling better. I asked him if that meant that the medicine helped, and he said that it did. Yay! Hopefully this is a breakthrough that he will remember.

Here are a couple more photos from this morning...

Not feeling too good... :(

He still managed a smile for me though! I just love his sweet face...

Thank you for praying for my boy! I hope you all have an amazing Christmas! We'll be spending time with family, enjoying His blessings, and celebrating Jesus! Merry Christmas!

less than a month...

2010-12-23T07:30:00.000-08:00

The big day is less than a month away now. I called to see if we could move up the surgery because Tate has had so much more pain lately. Of course, they are booked up through February, so we're keeping our date of January 21st. We have been added to the call list though in case of cancellations. I know there are several of you praying for a cancellation - thanks for that! Seems likely this time of year, right? If we do get to move it up, it would be a scramble... that scramble that we were trying to avoid by planning it out... of getting Todd's mom down here to help with the other boys, working out our work schedules, etc to accommodate a different surgery date, but if it relieves Tate's pain sooner, it would SO be worth it.

Tate is a tough little guy, and he is back to rarely admitting to pain. Some days are better than others, but overall, Tate's pain is showing through in his moods. He's really irritable these days, and who can blame the kid? I can be pretty irritable when I'm sick or in pain - just ask Todd. :) So I'm picking my battles. It ought to be interesting to see how my inconsistency in parenting adversely affects us down the road. Many of you know that Tate has always been stubborn... he only has a couple of things in his control, and he likes to KEEP control of those things... what he wears (or won't is more accurate - things with collars, buttons, and sometimes, bears!), and what he eats (again, won't eat is more appropriate here too - but this list changes daily). We have gotten past some of the issues with clothing, but on the days he doesn't feel well, it comes back with a vengeance. He's the first 4 year old boy I've ever known to care about what he wears! I discovered yesterday that the reason he won't eat green beans anymore (one of his previously favorite foods) is because of a certain song about beans that my older boys taught him. I had to explain that the song isn't talking about green beans. Oh boy. Haha. And on one recent particularly pitiful day, yep, he in fact DID have pudding for breakfast. He turned down his regular favorite (Gogurt) and when I saw that sad look on his face, I blurted out "How 'bout chocolate pudding, kiddo? Would that make you feel better?" It was SO worth the little smile on his face. I may not be Mom of the Year, but if pudding for breakfast helps my little man feel better for now, then I'm ok with it.

Some days are better than others for me, too. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I've forgotten everything from the kids' dentist appointments to birthday parties, and most days, I'm surprised that I can form a coherent sentence. I know that part of this is the chaos of the holidays mixed with stress from what is coming up next month, but I had a huge To Do list for Christmas break, and with my increasing inability to stay on-task, not much is getting done. There are several things I want to have done before Tate's surgery, because I plan nothing but lots of cuddle time with my boys for at least a week or two afterwards!

Thank you all for the prayers. I know God is hearing them all, and we can certainly feel the love. Thank you for caring about us!

mixed emotions

2010-12-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

I feel SO scattered these days. Within a day or two of my last post, our washing machine quit completely. We had to replace it, and went ahead and replaced the dryer, too. Not that we didn't enjoy running our jeans through 3 70-minute cycles to get them dry... we'll miss those days. So yeah, spending several hundred dollars just a couple of weeks before Christmas kinda stunk. But man... I LOVE doing laundry now. You know... when I have time and all.

Tate hasn't been feeling too hot lately. If you spend 5 minutes with him, you can tell he's feeling pretty puny. I have had lots of people asking about him lately, and we certainly appreciate all the prayers. Keep them coming. We have a month until his surgery, and his eye seems to be going downhill fast. I thought I'd add a couple of photos to show you what I'm seeing... keep in mind, although I'm a photographer, it's NOT easy to take a photo of a 4 year old's eye... especially when he pretty much never opens it anymore.

This first one was taken on November 15th...

The next 2 were taken on December 17th... shows the degeneration occurring over the last month...

I can't tell you how much this breaks my heart for my sweet boy. I know he's in pain. He squints all the time, and the light really hurts his eyes, too. He's had several moments in the last week that he's been in tears from the pain, but most of the time, he tells me that he's fine. I can tell that he's not, but I just keep remembering that we don't have much longer, and this trial will be behind us. The doctor has told us that we can give him ibuprofen to take the edge off the pain, but Tate refuses to take any meds. And when a stubborn 4 year old doesn't want to take meds, it's pretty much impossible to make him. We've tried every trick in the book. So please keep praying for him. Please pray that his pain is lessened, so that he is comfortable while we wait for the surgery date to approach. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm READY for this surgery. It has to be better than this.

There is something I've dreaded to add to my To Do list, but it's gotta go on there. I need to call the insurance company to see what we need to expect as far as bills go from his surgery and prosthesis. I like surprises, but not this kind. We have to budget for this, and I have to get an idea of where to start. We took Tate to a world-renowned specialist in Michigan in August, and we're STILL getting bills from that. I think we've hit somewhere just under $2k now (out of pocket), and he was only there a few hours, didn't have surgery, and didn't stay in the hospital. We thought we had seen the last of the bills from that visit a couple of months ago, but had a surprise in the mail today to the tune of $805. Yep, 5 days before Christmas. Awesome. So this time, I'm going to ask them to spell it out for me beforehand. One thing I want to be very clear about.... every penny is more than worth it to make my little guy feel better. I'm not upset about having to pay it. I just want to be prepared. Some of you know that we've been on the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Plan since February. We've made a TON of progress in the last 10 months... but we're hitting about a $5000 setback from what we expect between these 2 medical bills. Having to replace our washer and dryer just before Christmas didn't help either. It's SO frustrating to bust your butt to get ahead, then hit brick walls. But I know we'll get through it. God will provide, He always does.

It's almost Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of our Savior. We celebrated my oldest son's 10th birthday today. We have so many blessings, so many wonderful friends, so much to be thankful for. I have been really distracted lately, and I have some days that I just want to crawl back into bed and sulk all day. I'm grateful to have friends who pull me out and keep me going. I have SO many emotions, I feel like I'm all over the place. I'm happy, sad, anxious, nervous, worried, excited, overwhelmed... so I apologize if you call/email/facebook and don't hear back from me right away. But don't give up. I still need you. Thank you for being a friend. (insert Golden Girls theme song here).

complete chaos

2010-12-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Christmas is here in just 24 days?!? I haven't finished my Christmas shopping, I'm working at the airlines all this week and next week (a rarity, I know), and I have like 6 photo sessions to edit and 3 more to shoot this week. I'm sleep-deprived (I work til 2am, in bed by 3am, up again at 645am), I'm worried about my little guy, my house looks like someone broke into it, and I haven't had time to unpack from our Disney trip OR Thanksgiving trip to Ohio. Even if I did bother to unpack, the spin cycle on our washing machine has to be started by hand because the motor has all but completely gone out in it, so laundry takes ALL. DAY. LONG. And with 5 of us, it piles up quickly. Alas, we are running out of clean clothes, so I'll have to choose soon... sleep, but smell like dirty socks, or wear clean clothes but have ~~bags~~ luggage under my eyes. Looks like more sleep-depravity coming right up!

I don't belong in Vegas...

2010-11-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

... I don't like to gamble. The thing about Tate's eye condition is that it's pretty rare... there is no "normal". I mean, they kinda know what to expect with a typical PHPV case, but when things go a little haywire like they have with Tate, it's hard to predict a timeline on the rest of it.

When we arrived at the surgeon's office yesterday, it was the first time we had met him. He began by telling us that he doesn't perform an enucleation (eye removal) on children unless it's absolutely necessary. He went on to explain how removing the natural eye can affect facial structure as he grows (I keep picturing the guy from The Goonies, which I know isn't realistic, but I just can't get past it). He also described the two methods of replacing the eye... either a plastic sphere or a butt-fat graft (yes, I'm aware that's not the technical term, but it's how I remember it) that would be sewn in and attached to the muscles, over which would fit his prosthesis. With the sphere, we risk Tate rejecting it since it's a foreign object, and "spitting it out". But with the butt-fat graft, even though it should be better accepted, we face a possibility of graft failure. So at this point, Dr Y asks, "So what would you like to do?"... hmmm... I think I'd like to jump of a cliff now, thankyouverymuch.

We have hit brick walls every step of the PHPV path. Most PHPV kids have anterior or posterior... Tate has both. Most PHPV kids have at least some vision out of their PHPV eye. Tate has none, and no chance of regaining it. Most PHPV kids don't ever have a problem with pressure... Tate has neovascular glaucoma. Most PHPV kids don't experience eye degeneration... Tate's started with band keratopathy (the calcium deposit over the cornea that makes him feel like something is in his eye) and has a bone growing in the back of his eye from calcium deposits, which causes him pain. So forgive me if I'm not 100% confident that the enucleation and prosthesis will go on without a hitch. I have this "What else?" attitude right now, and I just can't seem to shake it.

So back to my gambling analogy.... as I said in a previous post, Tate hasn't been complaining of pain much at all in the last 2 weeks or so. As far as I'm concerned, that's a God thing.... an answer to hundreds of prayers. I don't believe Tate is completely pain-free right now though. I do believe that his baseline for pain tolerance is a lot higher than yours or mine. So since he's not having additional pain right now, he's happy. Considering it wasn't that long ago that he was in enough pain to say that it hurt a lot, I'm happy too. So with his pain being bearable at the moment, we had to decide if maybe we should wait on the surgery.... give him that extra time to let his facial structure develop, so any asymmetry that might result would be lessened. But if we wait, we risk having to do it in "crisis mode" in the middle of the school year, disrupting his life quite a bit more. Or we go ahead with the surgery now, to relieve the pain he has, and we risk my kid looking like the guy from The Goonies when he's 19, and hating me forever because we jumped the gun on the surgery. Ok, ok... I know that's a little extreme, but I'm feeling pretty extreme these days. The point is that we don't know how long we'd have before he'd lose the eye due to it shrinking up and having to be removed, or the pain being intolerable. We don't know, the doctors don't know, no one knows except God. I explained to the doctor that we knew that removing his bad eye was inevitable, and I'd just as soon have it over with before he starts school in August. The doctor agreed with me that that's a benefit to doing it when he's young... kids aren't quite as mean at that age. When I asked him at the end of our appointment what he recommended, he said "If I thought that my child was in any pain, enough to affect his quality of life, I'd take it out." I appreciated his answer and his honesty, but I was still torn about letting my kid look like Sloth.

So what do we do? Well, I take the advice from a friend and ask my four year old what he wants to do. Yes, I've resorted to leaving a life-changing decision to a guy who entertains himself with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every morning. I asked him in a hundred different ways, and his answer remained the same... "I want the doctor to take my eye out because it's sick and it hurts me." Me: "But when I've been asking lately if it hurts, you keep saying no." Tate: "No.... I've been saying it always hurts a little bit." Me: "So it's hurting now?" Tate: "No, it's not hurting now." Yep, that's pretty much how it went. So I had Sarah talk to him today too... She had almost an identical conversation with him. But it did make me feel better to know that he's more than ok with this surgery, he's actually saying he wants to have it done. He tells me he doesn't want his eye to hurt anymore. That's all you had to say, Tate. His surgery is scheduled for January 21st.

Tate's Story... PART THREE

2010-11-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

Tate was pretty good about taking his drops... most days. They seemed to take the edge off a little, but never really took the pain away. We continued to stay in close contact with our PO, and had to change drops after a while, trying to find something more effective. We also found out that he has calcium deposits forming a bone in the back of his eye, which we were able to see on an ultrasound. That is the cause of at least some of his pain. Tate was still constantly rubbing his left eye (which we are told relieves the pressure and pain), so after a week of being called by his preschool twice (like I had asked them to) because he was complaining of pain, I made yet another appointment with our doctor.

At this appointment, I asked the big question.... If it is inevitable that he is going to have to have his eye removed at some point, what are we waiting for? After all, it's causing him pain. This may seem like an obvious question to some of you, but let me tell you... as his mom, it was not an easy one to ask. The PO then began to tell us that neither decision (having the enucleation performed or waiting) was a bad decision, but that there could be complications with a prosthesis, and that we might be trading one set of problems for another. He may be allergic to the material that the prosthesis is made of, his eye socket may not take well to having a "foreign object" in there and may become runny or excrete mucous. We realized we had not considered this when we were talking about how it might be easier to have the painful eye removed. So we had something else to work through. Our doctor made it clear that it was our call on whether to have the enucleation done now, or wait until the pain was worse and more constant. Because we really didn't know which way to go, he suggested we make a consult appointment with Dr Y, the surgeon.

Since we couldn't get an appointment for four weeks, that gave us lots of time to think, talk, and pray (not necessarily in that order). We decided that if he was eventually going to have to have the eye removed, we'd like to do it on "our time". We are going to have to arrange help with the other boys (Todd's mom will be coming down from Ohio to help out), and we'd like to be able to prepare for this huge event, rather than have to do it all in "crisis mode". So we decided that when we meet with Dr Y, we would tell him that we'd like to go ahead with the surgery.

So yeah, right around then, Tate stopped complaining of pain. You have no idea how much easier it is to say "Just take the eye out" when he's in pain, rather than when he's not. I questioned our decision that we had made. Did we still need to do it? Was this lack of pain a sign of God giving us the miracle we had prayed for four years about? Were we jumping the gun with this surgery, and not giving God time to heal Tate? We knew we couldn't control when Tate would need the surgery if we decided to wait, so we were hesitantly standing by our decision to go ahead with it. We wanted him to be used to his new normal in time for kindergarten in August. I trusted that Tate's lack of pain was from the hundreds of prayers that had gone up on Tate's behalf to relieve him of pain and discomfort. Because I was still hesitant about our decision as the days went by, and Tate was not complaining of pain or rubbing his eye, I prayed to God that we would have some sort of clear sign to point us in the right direction. The next day, I noticed Tate's eye looked worse. A lot worse. The whites were pretty red, the iris was a discolored grayish brown, even more cloudy than usual. It looked like it hurt. But it didn't. Not according to Tate. Of course, this is the kid who has a high pain tolerance, and who had an inkling that we were talking about having his eye removed, so he probably wouldn't admit that it hurt, even if it did. I appreciated God showing me that we had made the right decision without causing my sweet boy any more pain. That was exactly what I needed.

Tate's Story... PART TWO

2010-11-16T06:23:00.000-08:00

We saw our PO very often in that first few months of Tate's life. We were able to hold off on his first surgery until he was four months old. It was October 9, 2006. I remember the date because that's where Todd and I spent our 7th wedding anniversary. Our PO and a Retinal Specialist performed a vitrectomy (coring out the scar tissue to "clean up" his eye, and a lensectomy (removing the lens with the cataract). Tate did fantastic with the surgery. He wore a big metal shield over his left eye for a while, but healed up nicely. The hardest part was putting him in arm braces for the first week or so to prevent him from messing with his eye. After healing from his surgery, we only saw our PO periodically to make sure everything was well with Tate. We started him in the Early Intervention program with our local CDSA (Children's Developmental Services Agency) and they set us up with a wonderful case manager, and had a therapist come once a week to work with Tate on fine and gross motor skills, and special things for kids with monocular vision, like his depth perception issues. We continued to see our PO and we were just to watch for the eye "deflating" or any signs of pain. But Tate was doing fantastic...

Until this summer. A couple of days after we returned from our summer vacation, Tate was sick... vomiting, and generally not acting himself. He told me that his eye was hurting a little bit, and he was rubbing it a lot. I called the POs office, and we were able to get in that day. Tate's eye pressure was supposed to be 12-14. It was 40. The PO said that his eye was giving him more than "a little" pain with pressure like that. That's when we first realized what a high pain tolerance our little guy has. The vomiting was from the high pressure in his eye, so they immediately started him on drops, right there in the hospital. He had neovascular glaucoma. This was a bad sign for a kid with PHPV. I was also told that Tate had band keratopathy, which is calcium being deposited on the cornea, occurring in a band pattern. That's the day the doctor first told me that his eye was beginning to degenerate and it would eventually have to be removed. I will never know why I didn't think to have Todd go with me to that appointment. It was a difficult drive home, blinded by tears once again.

We had been told that we didn't have to do anything right away... we were going to see how the drops worked out for him, but were warned that the drops typically eventually become ineffective. We were told that Tate's eye could last weeks or a decade before having to be removed. We just had to wait and see. Typically with a degenerating eye, the pressure would get really high (as it was), then drop really low, and the eye would begin to shrink, and have to be removed.

On our yahoogroups PHPV support group, I had heard about a world-renowned specialist in Michigan, a little over an hour from where my mother-in-law lives. He is the go-to guy in this rare world of PHPV. People literally fly from around the world to come see him. When someone talks about removing your child's eye, it's hard to just take their word for it and not question it at all. We trusted our PO completely, had every confidence in him. I think the biggest reason that we went to see Dr T in Michigan is that I didn't want Tate ever to feel like we didn't do everything possible to save his eye. Dr T concurred with our PO completely and said that when the glaucoma was out of control, it wouldn't be a bad decision to remove the eye. He said there are some painful treatments we can try to treat glaucoma that might prolong the life of the eye, but he wouldn't blame us for not wanting to put our child through that pain in the hopes that science would develop something to help him regain vision while we were stalling. We also found out at that visit that Tate's right eye (yes, his GOOD eye) contains five meridional folds in his retina. These are basically holes in the retina that make it much easier for the retina detach with an impact. We're not signing him up for those boxing classes after all, I guess. :)

everything you wanted to know... PART ONE

2010-11-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

...and some that you probably didn't about PHPV (Persistent Hyperplastic Primary Vitreous). We are about to end a journey that we've been on for over four long years. Many of you have asked about Tate's eye condition, how we found out, how it affects him, etc... I don't mind at all when people ask about it. I wish I had started blogging or journaling about it from the beginning, but hey, hindsight is 20/20, right? No pun intended. Anyhow, I thought I'd give a little history on Tate's condition to catch us up to date, as we are meeting his surgeon tomorrow... the one who will be removing his eye.

When I was pregnant with Tate, we decided to sell our house and build a new one. Yes, I probably WAS crazy. We did things a little backwards, but it all worked out. We signed the contract on our new home, broke ground, and THEN we put the house up for sale by owner, stuck a sign in the front yard, and I had it under contract 26 days later. Too fast! We ended up in an apartment for three LONG months while they finished building our new home. So yeah, being in a temporary living arrangement isn't ideal when you're bringing a new baby home. Especially when it's already not under ideal circumstances.

I had Tate around 730am on a Monday morning after laboring all night. I was worn out and ready to get to our room in the mother/baby unit. I was happy to find a note from the pediatrician who had done rounds already, telling us that Tate was just perfect. So we enjoyed the day with our beautiful baby boy. Todd mentioned a couple of times that he wasn't opening his left eye much. I brushed it off with a "He was just born, give the kid a break." At around 1015 the following morning, we were called by a nurse to tell us that there was a problem with Tate's newborn eye exam, and that a doctor would be coming to speak with us, but to be ready to check out right away (a day early) and head to Baptist. The next couple of hours is a bit of a blur. I remember trying to joke around, saying "Hey, I have two little kids at home... I get another night here!".. but I quickly realized they weren't kidding. They did not get a red reflex in Tate's left eye during his exam, and I was told "It could be bad, or it could be worse." We were discharged by noon, and headed to Baptist Hospital to see Dr W (our Pediatric Opthalmologist) to find out what was wrong with our son's eye. I'll never forget how tiny he looked on that big hospital bed. I'll also never forget when Dr W told us that Tate was blind in his left eye, and he would not regain vision. They did an ultrasound on his eye, and confirmed PHPV. I don't really remember much else from that appointment, other than looking at my tiny day-old baby on that big bed, and crying my eyes out with my husband. Oh, I do remember one more thing... I remember when our PO told us not to worry, there is no surgery necessary right away... "We can wait a week or two," he said.

By the time we left Baptist, we couldn't remember the name or initials of Tate's condition. We had a checkup with the pediatrician the following day, and thankfully, the pediatrician called Dr W and asked for the name of the condition, and general information. The pediatrician had never heard of it, so she asked our PO how often he sees it, to which he replied "About once a decade." I knew that if I couldn't control what had happened to our son, I could at least arm myself with information. Google, here I come.

So here it is. When an eye is developing when the child is in the womb, temporary blood vessels develop to form all the parts of the eye, then the become clear and dissolve, becoming the vitreous. PHPV develops when the temporary blood vessels don't dissolve, therefore don't become clear, and that hazy vitreous blocks the light passing to the retina in the back of the eye. Most kids have anterior OR posterior PHPV. Tate has both. This stalk of scar tissue also detached his retina leaving him blind in his left eye. The retina was encased in scar tissue, eliminating the option to reattach it during his first surgery. He also had a cataract. There are no normal structures in Tate's PHPV eye. As Tate's mother, one of my primary concerns was, "What did I do wrong? Did I forget my prenatal vitamin one too many times? What did I do to cause this to happen to my sweet boy?"... the answer - nothing. The PO assured me that it's a complete fluke, and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.

#amazonfail controversy produces twitterstorm

2010-11-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

Really, where do you start on a subject like this? I was shocked to hear yesterday that amazon.com has been selling a book called "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure - A Child-Lover's Code of Conduct". REALLY??? This sickens me to even type out the title. As a mother of three boys, I feel extremely protective already, but when I read an excerpt from the book that includes what product works well as a condom on boys under the age of 13, I have to stifle my gag reflex.

Obviously, I am not the only one who is disgusted, sickened, and offended by this filth and the fact that it's sold on amazon.com. So I also find out that I must have been hiding under a rock over the last few years, because this is not the only trash that amazon sells. You can also find titles such as "Understanding Loved Boys and Boylovers", "I Am the Market: How to Smuggle Cocaine by the Ton in Five Easy Lessons", "Grow Great Marijuana", and "Drunk Driving Defense: How to Beat the Rap".

I am appalled at amazon's consistent bad decisions. This is how I know that I have been living under aforementioned rock because I had not heard about the other books, or I would have terminated my business with amazon and amazon's companies sooner. I find it interesting that they actually are acting against their own policies, in that they say they "prohibit content that includes offensive material" and "....that may lead to production of an illegal item or illegal activity", yet they have several books that are rock solid in that category.

Amazon actually defends their decision to sell this pedophile how-to guide. They issued this statement... "Amazon believes it is censorship not to sell certain books simply because we or others believe their message is objectionable," it reads. "Amazon does not support or promote hatred or criminal acts, however, we do support the right of every individual to make their own purchasing decisions." I find it ironic that they are all about the first amendment and free speech, until thousands of comments start to show up from angry customers on the book's review on amazon.com, which are then deleted by amazon. So... does that mean only the pedophile author gets the free speech right, and not those who are offended by what he has to say? After the RapeLay video game that they were selling last year (in which the protagonist stalks and RAPES a mother and her daughters), and the immoral and offensive trash they are trying to sell now (the pedophile guide and the man/boy love book, not to mention how to smuggle cocaine, grow weed, and get away with drunk driving), I am DONE with amazon. I am boycotting all of their companies, and will go directly to the retailers from now on. I'm willing to pay for shipping to avoid supporting their filth.

Needless to say, there are thousands of people boycotting amazon.com (just in time for holiday shopping! WTG amazon!) until the company rethinks their priorities. There has been a twitterstorm over the last 2 days that has finally helped Amazon see some light. I keep hearing that Amazon has removed the pedophile how-to book, but until I've seen an official statement (apology) from Amazon, I'm not sure I'll believe that it's gone for good. I am putting my money where my big mouth is, and will be avoiding Amazon at all costs from now on, as I see now what an immoral company they truly are. I'm sure that even if the twitterstorm had some effect on the pedophile how-to book, the man/boy love book will remain, as well as the other criminal-activity-encouraging books they sell.

Oh, I nearly forgot to mention my new book’s subject… “Parent’s Guide : How to Kill a Pedophile and Make It Hurt Like Hell”. Find it on Amazon soon!