Well, it's over. And I can't tell you how relieved I am! We didn't have internet access at the hospital (they have wi-fi, but we had a weak signal in our room, so I couldn't connect), so I couldn't blog yesterday. So this is how it all went down....
We were scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7am for the surgery to begin at 830am. It was expected to last an hour and a half. We took Tate back to the pre-op area to get his hospital gown on (and he was NOT a fan, let me tell you!) and give him some cuddles before his surgery. We met with the anesthesiologist there, and got to sign the paper that says that I understand that a risk of anesthesia is death. I hate that form. I mean, I know I have to sign it, but I don't have to like it. Anyway, the nurse anesthetist brought Tate a cool little red wagon to ride to the OR in around 845am, but Tate wasn't having any part in that. So Rocker Birdie (Tate's hospital buddy) rode in the red wagon with his quilt, and Tate was carried off by a nurse, while yelling for his Mommy. Not my favorite part of the day. That, I am proud to say, is the only time I cried yesterday. I do admit to getting a little teary while waiting for his surgery to be over, but I wasn't the blubbering mess I was during his last surgery. Small victories, people... small victories.
This is the last photo I took of Tate's eye before surgery... The purple "K" above his eye marks the eye that they're taking out. I'm glad that's a system that works!
So we went to wait in the adult waiting area primarily because you can eat on that side. (Yes, I have my priorities.) My awesome mom made muffins, and brought apples and bottled water, so we wouldn't have to leave the waiting area to go get food. We got a call at 915am saying that they had just started, and that intubation and everything anesthesia-related went well.
My brother came to the hospital before work to wait with us for a while. My parents were also there waiting with us. This is my brother, Ted, on the left, Todd on the right.
I had been told that we'd get a call every hour to update us on the progress of the surgery, so when we were called to the pediatric waiting area at 1015am, I walked straight to the phone at the desk to wait for the call, barely noticing our surgeon standing there waiting to talk to us! I was confused as to why he was out there at first. I just remember saying "It's over? It's really over?" And I'm pretty sure I didn't mean the surgery. This long journey, this journey that we've been on for 4 1/2 years.... it's over. Finally. Ok, maybe not completely over, but this huge hurdle that I've been dreading for 2 months... this was such a big part of it. The beginning of the end. So our surgeon, Dr Y, proceeds to tell us that this is something we will never regret. The eye had degenerated so much, that he said that without a doubt, we had absolutely made the right decision. Phew. I mean, I knew that. You've seen photos... you've heard stories. You know what we were facing. But it gave me so much relief to hear it from the guy who saw his eye, the whole thing, that we had made the right gut-wrenching decision. Wow. Thank you, God. Dr Y told us that they were taking him to Recovery, and we'd get to see him soon. An extremely long HOUR AND 45 MINUTES LATER, we finally were told he was waking up and we could go see him. The extra long nap may or may not have been from us keeping him up til midnight the night before his surgery. I couldn't really say. But when we walked to Recovery, he was sitting up (kinda) and drinking Sierra Mist. He looked good. He had a bandage over his left eye. He was quiet, but responsive. His bed was then wheeled up to his room, and we followed along, praising God that his surgery went without complications!
Here is Tate, post-surgery, sporting the beautiful quilt that the sweet people over at Quilts of Compassion made for him before he went into the hospital back in August in Michigan. He was able to take the quilt and Rocker Birdie into the OR with him.
Getting some love and attention from his Nana right after we got settled into his room
The surgeon removed Tate's eye, inserted an implant behind the lining (the pink area like you see on the inside of your eye lid) and attached the muscles to it. They closed that lining, then inserted a plastic conformer in place of the eye (as a spaceholder while the eye socket heals). In 6-8 weeks, we'll travel to Burlington to visit the occularist to have his prosthetic eye made.
Tate had lots of visitors yesterday, and he enjoyed every minute of the attention. He even ventured to the playroom with his brothers and his best buddy Aiden for about 15 minutes. He was worn out after all the visitors came, so he finally dozed off around 530pm. His friend Bri's amazing mom, Lori, brought us dinner and some yummy cookies to the hospital room. Tate slept through dinner, but he enjoyed his Happy Meal for breakfast this morning. :) Todd and I watched a movie last night while Tate slept, then dozed off ourselves. Tate slept until 730am today. He hasn't had any pain meds since the IV bag around 1230pm yesterday. I was concerned that it would wear off at some point during the evening last night, and that he'd wake up screaming in pain, but that never happened. I had a feeling that whatever pain he was experiencing prior to surgery might be just as bad or worse than post-op pain, and it looks like I was probably right. He still hasn't complained of pain, and when I asked him earlier today if his eye hurt, his answer was "Just a tiny bit." I can live with that, especially considering that I was told to expect significant pain for 4 days, and also because we know that this pain will end.
Spoiled much? :) He got lots of fun gifts from friends who visited.
Chilling...
Grandma was making him peanut butter graham crackers on demand. He loved every minute of it.
Checking out the playroom... he only lasted about 15 minutes, but we were surprised that he was up for it at all!
We were discharged this morning around 9am, and we go back Saturday morning to have his bandage removed. I'm not looking forward to that. I can see some drainage on the bandage, so I can only imagine what his eye must look like. We'll learn how to take care of the eye area while it heals, and I'm assuming that we'll get more information about our upcoming visit to the occularist.
Overall, I'm relieved. That pretty much sums it up. I'm happy that the surgery went as well as could be expected, and that his pain level so far is so much better than I expected. As I was texting friends and family yesterday to let them know when he was out of surgery and that all went well, the response that I got most was "Yay!" I know why they were saying that. I really do understand. I was also super relieved that all went well... but I just felt like I couldn't celebrate that my kid's eye had just been surgically removed. I thank God that He was watching over my boy, and that we have gotten past this part of the journey. I don't want anyone to think for a second that I'm not thankful for Tate to be so close to pain-free, because I really am. And I'm hoping that very soon, I'll feel like REALLY CELEBRATING this part of the journey.
You would have thought I was a first-time mom the way I freaked out when I heard Tate cough this morning. No offense to first-time moms, of course, but you tend to be able to diagnose everything from strep throat to dehydration to stomach flu yourself by the third kid. You know the "vomiting protocol" by heart, and you only call the doctor if you think you need antibiotics. I woke up extra early this morning, unable to sleep because all of a sudden I was really nervous that Tate was going to get sick before Wednesday, and the surgery would have to be postponed. I got the boys ready for school, and as we got in the van (it didn't help my nerves that the back doors were frozen shut, despite the fact that I warmed up the car first), I heard him cough. 3 times. It sounded bad. Pretty rough, kind of croupy. So of course, I panicked. I took the boys to school, and came home and picked up the phone at 8am. Lucky for me, my best friend is a nurse. It's pretty nice to have your own personal Dial-A-Nurse when you have 3 boys. So I told her what happened.... "Sarah! Tate coughed this morning!" She promptly laughed. She knew right away why I was nervous, and more than that, she knew me well enough to know that I'd HAVE to be nervous about SOMETHING for the next 6 days. And she calmed me down, told me I didn't have to rush him to the pediatrician to get him on antibiotics this morning, and told me they'd check him out at his pre-op appointment this afternoon. Phew. That was close.
As it turned out, Tate didn't cough the rest of the day. At least not real coughs. He has been happy all day, and seemed to be in very little, if any, pain. He did great during his quick check-up at his pre-op appointment. We didn't have to meet with the anesthesiologist today... we'll do that the morning of the surgery, since Tate is a healthy child. And I took care of paying the deductible to the hospital over the phone on Tuesday to save us a stop in the Finance office. So after the exam and some paperwork, we went to a little room so the PA could take measurements of Tate's good eye, so they can make the conformer for his left eye socket. That was when it started to hit home. He was having such a good day and with so little pain, that if he didn't start to flinch and squint because of the bright lights in the office, I think I would have picked him up and carried him out right then and there. But I know he needs this. And I know he will be ok. He'll be better than ok. He'll be healthier and happier when his sick eye is taken out. I know it will be an adjustment for us, but I also know it will be worth it. It just has to.
I am SO thankful for my friends and family. I have gotten so much support.... prayers, hugs, phone calls, and offers to help. I worry (cause that's what I do - worry) that some of the people who I have only recently gotten to know since all this chaos has been going on might think I'm nuts. Well, you know... more than I actually am. I've been so spastic with my emotions all over the place, panicking every day about something, off the deep end, worrying ALL the time. So I just want to say that I'm not usually this bad. Well, not quite. I do worry (especially when it comes to my kids), and I can be a little crazy and emotional at times (can't we all?), and I can be a control freak (what???). And you're thinking "So how is that all different from how you have been lately?" Ok, yeah, nevermind.
And because I know you only really come here to see my cute little boy (not listen to my endless babble), I'll share one of my favorite photos of him... I took this in July, right after we were first told that his eye was degenerating and would have to be removed at some point. I didn't know how long it would be, so I had an urge to take some photos of him as he was then. He will ALWAYS be perfect in my eyes.
A new year often represents changes for all of us. Some make resolutions to lose weight, pay off debt, spend more quality time with loved ones, or quit addictions. I've never been one for resolutions, because when I "fall off the wagon", which I ALWAYS do, it would be too tempting to say "Well, maybe next year." Instead, I am constantly trying to improve on myself (and believe me, I have PLENTY to improve on!) and I don't put time restrictions on it. That way, when I mess up, I know that tomorrow is a new day. I always have a list of things I want to change, which gets to be overwhelming sometimes. I'm always trying to be more financially responsible, lose weight, and spend my time more wisely all at once. (Nope, that's not the whole list, just the ones I'm willing to admit to at the moment.) I keep saying that I'll just try working on one thing at a time until I've made it routine, then work on the next, etc. Am I the only one who is impatient? I want everything perfect NOW. If I just do one thing at a time, I might be ringing in 2012 before I even make a dent in my list! I wish you all the best of luck in attaining your goals, whether they're New Year's Resolutions, or just something you'd like to improve on one day at a time.
Tate will have some big changes very soon. His surgery is in just 12 days, and I'm sure there will be some adjustment period for us. I am looking forward to seeing how God uses this in Tate's life. I don't know if that will be anytime soon, but I know He has a plan. Thank you for loving him, supporting him, and praying for him. And thank you for carrying on with us into 2011.
If you missed Tate's front page news article today in our local newspaper, the Winston-Salem Journal, you can view the article here.
Tate's surgery was originally scheduled for January 21st. We booked that date back on November 17th. It was so far away... it was like a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was far enough away to seem like maybe it would never really happen. I guess that's my secret... hoping that it would never really have to happen. This has been such an emotional rollercoaster for the last few months. After 3 years of everything going smoothly, we figured that the possibility of eventual eye removal was just something they have to tell you so they don't get sued.
I know God will take care of us. I know people are praying for us... for peace, for comfort, for God to carry us through this. We had the absolute pleasure yesterday of meeting David and his family. They showed us that it will all be ok. Things will be normal again. A different kind of normal, but our new normal. I KNOW that with my brain. But my heart... it feels like it's breaking into a thousand pieces. I just want to make it all better. Not by having my son's eye surgically removed... I want him to keep it and still be pain-free. When I first told him a few months ago that we were going to have to have his eye taken out so it won't hurt him anymore, he said "Please, Mommy, don't let them take it out. I want to keep my eye, but I want to be able to see out of it!" That's what I want for my son. I haven't lost my mind, I know that isn't going to happen. I know that we will go through with the surgery, his pain will finally be relieved, and we'll get used to caring for him a little differently. It just SUCKS. Can I say that without worrying that people might think I'm not strong enough? I know that in the grand scheme of things, losing an eye isn't a huge deal. It's just an eye, it's only one of his eyes, his condition won't spread to other parts of his body, and it's not life-threatening. But he's my kid. And it sucks. When you're a mother, your whole world is turned upside down. As a mother, you love your children so much that sometimes it physically hurts. You are responsible for this beautiful work of art that God has given you to care for. He does not belong to you, he belongs to God. But God has entrusted you with this precious child, and you are there to love him, protect him, and raise him in a Christian home. And no matter what, you NEVER want to see him hurting. I wish this hadn't happened. But I think I know one reason why it has. It has forced me to lean on God more than I ever have in my life. I have needed God, been on my knees in His presence, talked to God, leaned on Him, collapsed into His loving arms more than ever before. I know God has more purpose in this than bringing me closer to Him, but God amazes me with the way He always gives us that bright side. When things seem like they can't get any worse, He shows us that His hand is always in it. And for that, I'll always be thankful.
In other news, it looks as if Tate's surgery is being moved up. For those of you praying for a cancellation, THANK YOU! I got a call from the hospital this afternoon telling us to prepare for January 12th. I was crying on the phone with the receptionist who called me (they're probably getting used to that by now) but I was relieved to know that my son's pain would be eased a little sooner than we originally thought. I called Todd at work to tell him... he seemed glad to hear the news. I remember saying, "This is good, right?" He said "Yeah, of course." I asked him, "Then why am I crying?" That's when I realized what my secret was. This rollercoaster journey went from surreal to very real in a flash. Hold on tight, it's about to get crazy.
I feel SO scattered these days. Within a day or two of my last post, our washing machine quit completely. We had to replace it, and went ahead and replaced the dryer, too. Not that we didn't enjoy running our jeans through 3 70-minute cycles to get them dry... we'll miss those days. So yeah, spending several hundred dollars just a couple of weeks before Christmas kinda stunk. But man... I LOVE doing laundry now. You know... when I have time and all.
Tate hasn't been feeling too hot lately. If you spend 5 minutes with him, you can tell he's feeling pretty puny. I have had lots of people asking about him lately, and we certainly appreciate all the prayers. Keep them coming. We have a month until his surgery, and his eye seems to be going downhill fast. I thought I'd add a couple of photos to show you what I'm seeing... keep in mind, although I'm a photographer, it's NOT easy to take a photo of a 4 year old's eye... especially when he pretty much never opens it anymore.
This first one was taken on November 15th...
The next 2 were taken on December 17th... shows the degeneration occurring over the last month...
I can't tell you how much this breaks my heart for my sweet boy. I know he's in pain. He squints all the time, and the light really hurts his eyes, too. He's had several moments in the last week that he's been in tears from the pain, but most of the time, he tells me that he's fine. I can tell that he's not, but I just keep remembering that we don't have much longer, and this trial will be behind us. The doctor has told us that we can give him ibuprofen to take the edge off the pain, but Tate refuses to take any meds. And when a stubborn 4 year old doesn't want to take meds, it's pretty much impossible to make him. We've tried every trick in the book. So please keep praying for him. Please pray that his pain is lessened, so that he is comfortable while we wait for the surgery date to approach. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm READY for this surgery. It has to be better than this.
There is something I've dreaded to add to my To Do list, but it's gotta go on there. I need to call the insurance company to see what we need to expect as far as bills go from his surgery and prosthesis. I like surprises, but not this kind. We have to budget for this, and I have to get an idea of where to start. We took Tate to a world-renowned specialist in Michigan in August, and we're STILL getting bills from that. I think we've hit somewhere just under $2k now (out of pocket), and he was only there a few hours, didn't have surgery, and didn't stay in the hospital. We thought we had seen the last of the bills from that visit a couple of months ago, but had a surprise in the mail today to the tune of $805. Yep, 5 days before Christmas. Awesome. So this time, I'm going to ask them to spell it out for me beforehand. One thing I want to be very clear about.... every penny is more than worth it to make my little guy feel better. I'm not upset about having to pay it. I just want to be prepared. Some of you know that we've been on the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover Plan since February. We've made a TON of progress in the last 10 months... but we're hitting about a $5000 setback from what we expect between these 2 medical bills. Having to replace our washer and dryer just before Christmas didn't help either. It's SO frustrating to bust your butt to get ahead, then hit brick walls. But I know we'll get through it. God will provide, He always does.
It's almost Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of our Savior. We celebrated my oldest son's 10th birthday today. We have so many blessings, so many wonderful friends, so much to be thankful for. I have been really distracted lately, and I have some days that I just want to crawl back into bed and sulk all day. I'm grateful to have friends who pull me out and keep me going. I have SO many emotions, I feel like I'm all over the place. I'm happy, sad, anxious, nervous, worried, excited, overwhelmed... so I apologize if you call/email/facebook and don't hear back from me right away. But don't give up. I still need you. Thank you for being a friend. (insert Golden Girls theme song here).
